I am not quite sure where things are going at this point in my life but I plan to keep walking until I get to a destination of happiness. I feel like I have been sad for most of my life whether it be from break ups, deaths or just depression. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I want to look past it and start my life over again somehow. So I am putting all of my bets into school. All of my focus has been on school. I want to graduate college with a Bachelor's degree so I can start pursuing my career. I want my Dad to be able to see how much I've grown and how no matter how many times I failed in life, I'd always get back up. I must finish what I started. It took me so long to finish school because in the beginning I went to school for my parents' sake but now I have learned that this is what I wanted. I am going to school for me. I have never been one to be selfish about anything. I have always put others before me and would do anything and everything in my power for my loved ones. Now, it's time I put myself first for once. Back when my Dad passed away, I went through hell. All I could do is drink and gain a load of weight. It finally hit me 2 years ago that I have let myself go so bad that even I couldn't recognize who I was. Traveling for the past two years that I took off of school has changed me. I see the world in a different perspective from before. I met so many new friends and have seen parts of the world I have never seen before. I learned to appreciate more of the little things in life. Seeing how there are so many people living in worse conditions than me made me realize that in this life all I want to do is give back. Sure, I don't have money but I have never thought money is the key to happiness. Money can buy you many things and I agree it is much needed to survive in this world now but it can't be the solution for everything. This is why I chose to be an Applied Linguistics major. I can travel the world to teach English or help translate or interpret different languages. In all of the countries that I stay at, I plan to do as much charity work as possible. In the US, we have the government to help us when we need it. So many places in the world are in much worse predicaments and I want to help. This is the reason why I went back to school. I didn't just go back to school because I need to but because I want to. I want to make something of myself so I can help others in the future. Right now, I feel so useless. The type of feeling how you feel you aren't qualified to do anything. I spoke to an academic advisor and she told me I should be able to finish school by next year. I never thought I'd say this ever but I actually enjoy my major courses. I love learning about languages and how it functions in society. I hope next year could come by fast so I can fulfill all of my dreams and goals.
Aside from school, I am in some sort of dilemma when it comes to relationship. I haven't cut off all ties with the guy from Vietnam yet but honestly we aren't an official thing so it makes it hard to tell what is going on. We don't talk often like how people talk when they are in the dating stages. So I don't want to say anything and just let it be. Deep down in my mind and heart, I know that it will never work out because we are two worlds apart. Things will just end the way it did with my ex. Maybe that's why we didn't rush or try to get in a relationship. We have special feelings for each other more than regular friends but we both decide to keep it down..I think he knows how things will go down as well. We talk every now and then. I still sense his care for me but I try my best to hold it in because I don't want the both of us to be hurt in the end. Sometimes when I go out drinking, he'd message me and ask how I am. Though not drunk, I always have the urge to ask him if he feels sad that we are two world's apart. It took him a min to answer my question after seeing it but he ended up replying that it makes him sad too. He's waiting for me to go back to Vietnam. As much as I want to go back, I am scared to go back at the same time. I don't want things to escalate between us knowing that it will have to end in the end. I am scared that I won't be able to hold back and just let my feelings guide me. Recently, I have been pausing my feelings for him by talking to him less. I guess it is true that distance makes me people grow apart. I feel better now. More at peace with myself. I have been meeting up with a different guy recently who is from here. Yesterday we went on our second date. I actually consider it a meet up until I feel like it's a date actually. He is a really nice guy. Super chivalrous and gentlemen. He paid for my drink on our first meet and my meal on our second meet up. He connects to me a lot since we have a lot in common. I don't feel weird or awkward around him and our conversation seems to be endless. Funny thing is after we go home from our date, we barely talk to each other but when we do go on dates we talk so much. It's almost like we save it until we meet face-to-face or something. He is the first date I have been on that I'm actually interested in. All of the other times, I always felt like it was hanging out because I wasn't interested and never consider it anything more than eating with a friend. He seems to be a really good guy and he gets my sarcasm. Should I keep it going? Why do I feel so bad when things are going well?
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