Ice heart..

Recently I have been all about me. All about recovering and discovering who I am and where I want to be in life. As I keep the search going, I feel like I am losing myself more and more. I have been on a diet program recently and have lost 15lbs in a month. My goal is to lose 20lbs before I head out to Asia and I think I am reaching my goals soon. I have been connecting with people on a language exchange app to learn languages with them. I came across a guy who was my language exchange partner for Korean. He is learning Vietnamese and it's one of my mother tongue. He used to live in the US for 7 years so his English is fairly fluent. He's now in Vietnam for studying abroad for 8 months. We talked for awhile and later developed feelings for each other. But of course, I had my guards and walls up really high. He told me I was being selfish by blocking him out because of my past. He woke me up for a minute. I never knew I was hurting others by building up a wall of ice around my heart. I guess all the people who broke my heart before took a piece of my heart with them. Maybe that's the reason why no matter how I try to piece myself together it never seems to work. So he woke me by letting me know how I was acting and how I am hurting and blocking him out. So I lowered my walls and let him in. I guess that was my mistake. We agreed to date recklessly knowing that we are half of a world apart. I gave him the chance he wanted to have so earnestly. He's the first guy in the 4 years that I have been single that tried to get to know me and liked me for me regardless of how I was acting or treating him. We agreed to date the night before he went to Vietnam. After he got to Vietnam, everything went downhill for us. He seemed too busy and didn't have time for me. We went from 4 hour talks to 5-10 minute a day and some days, none. One day we got into an argument and he basically shut me out. We kept lingering for days until yesterday and today. He finally replied to me with a firm answer. He said he couldn't do it anymore and that he hopes I find a good mate. Before all of this, he doubted me and didn't trust me when I told him what I felt for him. He said because I kept telling him how frozen my heart is and I never seem to express myself. I have been doing absolutely nothing but trying to express myself to him ever since he woke me up. He told me to find someone to love and embrace me wholeheartedly because he's not good enough. He has no confidence in keeping us together especially since we are so far apart. So basically I ended up really liking him and he feels the same but the time and situation doesn't do us justice. I was supposed to meet him in Vietnam and we were going to go to Thailand and Korea together. Now he is too scared that after we meet things will be worse and our feelings will intensify. He's unsure of when the next time we will meet. I understand where he's coming from but these were the things I was afraid of from the beginning and I told him. He was the one to convince me to live in the moment and stay true to the feelings I have at the moment. Now everything he said is an arrow shooting back at the both of us. He's not being true to himself. I know why he's doing this and I, too, should jump on this boat to stop this relationship from growing but a small part of me doesn't want to let go. Why is it that the one time I thawed my heart for a guy again, my heart gets shattered back into the billions of pieces it was before. I feel like shit. I hate this feeling. I wish my heart never gave in and I wish I didn't give him a chance in the beginning. Then we both wouldn't be so hurt as we are now. I know deep down he was always afraid that I was going to hurt him by just abandoning whatever we have but it seems that he's the one doing it to me. I never expected this. It's hitting me hard as rock. Reading each line of his text messages is like getting constant stabs to the heart. He wanted us to keep in touch as long as possible. Does that still apply or is it just words at that moment? I never doubted his feelings for me. I know how he feels about me and I know this is hurting him as much as it is hurting me. What more can I do when he wants to abruptly end it for the better? Can we stay friends and still meet and have fun? What should I do? It's not supposed to hurt like this or at least I never expected it to. I'm scared I will revert back to the cold person I was before. This time I might not just build a wall around my heart but an ice castle. I am so scared of my own feelings. I wish I could just stop feeling period. I don't know why this keeps happening to me. it's so unfair. I just want everything to stop..