falling into depression..

I know I haven't been posting much for months now but I'm back and ready to vent. I spent most of May partying and having fun for my birthday. I drank a huge amount of alcohol within that month alone. Finally got wasted for once and know I'm calming down some. I went to Orlando a week ago to go to Universal Studios. It was fun and a lot of walking. After coming back from the trip, I've been a bit depressed. I don't know why or what's wrong but I feel really down lately. Sometimes I cry from just hearing a song or a soft tune. I keep thinking about the past and the future. I feel overly stressed with all the bills and all the pressure from my family. I don't want to go back to school yet. I still don't know what I want. I need to pay for all of my medical bills because they are stacking up but I'm not making enough. I feel so useless for a 24 year old person. When will things ever get better for me?
    A few weeks back when I was planning out my trip to NYC this September I invited my close friend M. I was going to go alone so I invited him along but I guess I made the wrong choice. One night he asked me what we were? At first I didn't understand where he was coming from but then he mentioned if we were going as friends or as more than friends? This is where everything needed to be said was said. In a few posts back I mentioned how I felt a vibe from him that he likes me but tried to friend zone him. Even after being such a total bitch to him he still likes me. So I had to tell him from the beginning to the end that nothing will ever go on between us because I don't see him in that way. I see him more as a really close friend or even a brother to me. Love is not for us. Well not that type of love. I told him I sensed his affection before and tried to shut him down many times but he just won't stop having the feels for me no matter how mean I am to him. Now that everything is cleared up we're barely talking to each other and part of it is because I chose to distant myself from him for a bit. I don't want this to happen again because it's never easy shutting a close one down like that. He's usually not the type to post things on FB but he has been doing it a lot ever since we talked things out. He's partying more and drinking more. I feel like I've caused so much pain to him that he's becoming this way. I want to reach out and ask him if everything is ok but he would rather die than to admit it. I just know it. I just know him. I honestly feel like I've lost my closest friend and it hurts me so much.
   I feel like I have no one left in my life to listen to my problems or let me vent to them besides this blog. I don't really want to hang out or go out much anymore. I've been losing appetite and haven't been eating much. I've been super tired and just want to lay in bed all day. I'm looking up how to get a certificate in teaching abroad so I can go to Korea and teach English. I want to be far away from everyone right now. I can't stand to be here and keep thinking about all these unhappy things. I'm tired of crying my eyes out everyday from thinking and stressing. In my head I keep thinking will all of this end if I were dead? Will things be better if I was gone? I feel like a nobody and I feel so unmotivated. What's wrong with me? Am I really falling into depression? ;(