Sometimes I feel so lost in my own thoughts I forget what's around me. I need some peace, some kind of tranquilizer to calm down. I feel like everything is running by me so fast I can't seem to catch up. At the moment the park is my only escape. I want to stop thinking so much for just a minute. My head is about to explode..
The other night my friend M, got really drunk and told me how he felt about me. He has feelings for me and he really wanted to hug me, hold my hand, and kiss me when we were in NY together. I kind of figured that he liked me even before and have hinted to him many times that I don't want anything to ruin us. I don't have feelings for him. Sometimes I really wish I do have feelings for him because we're perfect for each other but I juat don't. He's looking for someone like me and I'm looking for someone who does all the romantic and cute stuff for me like him but I can't force myself to feel what I don't. I don't want to hurt him. I told him the truth. He understands but he keeps asking "what if" questions. I'm afraid. I don't want to lose our friendship even if he reassured me a million times that we won't. I don't even want to think of risking it. He's a great guy and I really do hope he finds the right one for him. That person just can't be me. He really wants to come see me for his birthday. I honestly don't mind seeing him but I don't want his feelings towards me to progress. I told him I'm still pretty damaged from my last heartbreak and I don't think I'm ready to open my heart back up just yet. He understands. He always understand. I forgot to mention a really important information about M. He has lung disease since he was a kid. When he was drunk he told me he's been coughing up a lot of blood. He keeps saying he knows he doesn't have very long so he wants to see me as much as he can. He said he wants to make me happy and see me happy. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. Of course, he didn't remember anything when he woke up the next day but I'm still left with thoughts from that night. How am I supposed to react to all of this? I feel like my life is cursed. I've been through so much with my dog, my niece, my sister, and my dad. I can't afford anymore pain. I don't want to lose my closest friend. It's been one thing after another and I really can't afford any more heartbreaks. I want everyone to be happy and healthy. Is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to be as strong as possible. I know he doesn't like talking about his health when he's sober, so all I can do is pray for his well being. He's the only friend who has been through every heartbreaking moment with me. He knows almost everything about me and he knows what makes me happiest. I can't imagine him not being here anymore.
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