no regrets.

On last Monday, I went to karaoke with my godsisters and sang my lungs out and had lots of beer. Funny, how I've been drinking beer a lot lately even though I hate it. I was a little buzz and ended up at the fountain park at 1 AM and didn't leave til 3 AM. I texted him and told him where I was and he asked if I was alone. I told him I was and for some reason a part of me thought that he might possibly come out after he gets out of work to check on me. He never came and I made up my mind not to talk to him much. I didn't text him for days. On Friday, we had game night again at my house. We played Telestration and it was extremely fun. It got late and everyone left my house but he stayed back to talk to me until 3 AM. He kept trying to leave a bit earlier than that but we kept talking on and on. He tried to leavr four times but he didn't. Then it got late, so he had to go because he had an obstacle race the next day. The next night we went to go eat and karaoke. Everyone seemed like they had a lot of fun. I had 7 mugs of beer and so did L. After we paid for everything, the girls said they wanted to sing some more. So me, L, and B went to a different karaoke place. I was buzzed already. We left the guys and headed to Happy Karaoke. In the car, B had 2 mini bottles of coffee patron and we dranked it. I had 2 and a half shots of it. Then we went inside and I took 2 more shots and another beer. By the end of the night, I was drunk. I haven't been drunk in such a long time. What scared me most is I forgot the last 2 hours of my night. I only remember bits and pieces. Good thing is I went with my trusted friends. Oh also we invited L and B's bestfriend TR out to join us for karaoke. He took me and L home. Well he took us to WH so I could sober up first before driving myself home. They told me in the car, I was yelling at TR for no reason. I also called "him" and asked him to come out to eat and said, "Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty please with a cherry on top." OMG, what hit me? I'm shocked brcause I don't call him anymore and I don't usually talk like that to him. Then, they told me he said he didn't want to come because he was tired or he already ate or something. I ended up calling him 5 times. One time TR cancelled the call and twice they took the phone from me and told him not to pick up my calls anymore. I kept telling them that it was on 4 and he doesn't usually sleep til 5. Also, I texted him saying sorry but they took my phone and texted him telling him to disregard my texts. So later, I texted him again saying I was really sorry for bothering him. If they weren't there to stop me I probably would've told him how I feel. Then after that I ordered food and didn't even eat it at all. Haha. I ended up talking about him to them. I told them I liked him and how he's an asshole for making me have mix feelings or giving me wrong signals and just a load of unnecessary stuff. I didn't mean to tell them anything or to say that. He didn't do anything wrong, its just me overthinking. I couldn't remember any of this. L had to tell me. I am never drinking beer with liquor again. Now that I know what it does to me. I didn't black out or have a hangover but I lost a part of my memory of that night and said/done things I shouldn't have. I don't regret anything though. I just won't allow myself to let my emotions take over my mind. This has never happened to me before and if it did it usually ends up with blacking out and a hangover. I didn't have any. So that's what being drunk is. I usually just get buzzed and thats it. No more beer. Dad's 1 year is on the 9th. I miss him so much. I told L that I will need mad company this month because I won't be able to handle it on my own. Guess I was right since I was totally out there the other night. Within the past year, all I've done was surpress my pain and tears and now I don't think I can put on a good show any longer. I miss my Dad. I really wish he was here with us. I wish he could see how grown Ethan is now. I wish I could hug him and learn all his recipes. I miss his cooking and his presence. I can't believe it's been a year already. It still feels like yesterday was the day he left us. I know I haven't been on track with my life but my Dad's loss was a big blow for me. It hit me a lot harder than I expected. I have to put on a show for everyone though. I don't want everyone else to be sad with me...What really pains me is having a photographic memory. I remember all the times we were in the hospital holding my Dad's hands and checking to see if he'll respond to us. I can still see him laying on the hospital bed breathing heavily. I can still see me holding his hands and telling him that I was there no matter what and asking if he could hear me. I also remembered the day he left. He went away so peacefully and silently. He wasn't able to speak, see, or touch us. That was the most painful day of my life. Til this day it still hurts just to think about it...:'(