discouraged..:'(

Mom's yelling at me and she's going on and on about everything. She's going on about my schooling, working, and how I haven't gotten my degree for nails yet. Honestly, I have been slacking off a lot lately. I'm not so sure where I am in life or where it is that I'm headed to. Sometimes the truth hurts a lot more than it should but I guess I'll endure it like I've always had to. I don't really know what it is that I want to do yet. Sometimes I feel like giving up on everything but for some reason I always hold on. I feel so miserable. Ever since Dad passed I haven't been sure on anything. I miss him so much. If he were still alive, he'd tell me to hold strong and continue school. He'd tell me what's the right thing to do. He would never say mean things or anything to discourage me. I feel like when Dad left a piece of me has died with him. My will. I don't have any motivations left to go on. I know Mom means well but it just hurts so much to actually hear it. I am a useless person. I can't do anything right. I'm no good. I'm a nobody. I should just quit school and do nails for the rest of my life but I can't even do that right. I can't do anything. That's all I hear from her. Why am I so useless? She keeps on asking me when will be out of school. I don't know is always my answer. How would I know when I'll be out of school when I'm not sure what I'm in school for anymore. Sometimes it's so much easier to say things then to actually do them. My little sister is doing well in school and is the complete opposite of me. Mom said she told her that she's going to try to finish school in 4 years so people won't think she stupid or suck at school. My Mom intentionally said that to me to tell me that I'm useless. One thing I hate most is being compared to but nowadays I stopped caring. She's been comparing me to everyone else on this Earth since I was a kid. I used to do well in school because I wanted to make my parents proud of me but every time I bring home an honors certificate they rarely even care. After so many times, I gave up. That's why I had honor roll my first semester of sophomore year in high school and failed four classes second semester. Back then Mom used to say worst things to me. She'd tell me I'm useless and that she wished she didn't give birth to me. She used to tell me that if I were on the streets and about to die she wouldn't care. I can't seem to ever get those words out of my head no matter how hard I try. I think this time I've had it. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything anymore. She's yelling about how I'm always going out with friends and not worrying about anything. I go out so much because our home is so depressing. When I'm home I can't help but to think about everything. About how useless I am to the family no matter what I do. I found a gray strand of hair on my head the other day. I think too much. Way more than I can handle. I'm so cold right now. Still sick from last week...