Reminiscing..

I know that everyone has their time before they have to go but sometimes I wish my Dad didn't have to go so soon. I wish I could go back in time even if it's for a few minutes just to see his face and to hear his jokes again. I still find it unbearably hard to accept that he's no longer here with us. I miss him so much..No matter how sad I was before just knowing that he was still here with me was enough to get me by. Nowadays I feel like I've been throwing away my life. I'm so out of focus. I don't know what to do with my life and bad luck keeps piling up on me. All I see in my head are flashbacks of all the memories of my Dad. Everytime I drive by a place where he would go or I've taken him to I always end up tearing. I can't handle this pain. I've been strong for too long and right now I feel so weak. Whenever I'm in trouble financially my Dad would always help me without questions. I needed a car for college and he went to get  me one. I needed a macbook for school and he bought me one. Needed a new TV and went to buy me one for my room. Even when he was sick and he thought I needed money for gas he tried to give me some. He was always there for me when I needed him and now I feel like I have nobody. I can't help but to feel so useless right now. I'm in debt and I feel like I've lost all motivations to move forward. I am so lost. I lost myself somewhere and I can't seem to find my way back. Chinese new year will be so devastating this year. Dad used to make it fun for us and now it doesn't even matter anymore. The house is so empty without him here. That's why I'm always trying to leave my house to go places. Coming home or staying home only makes me feel more sad and hurt. I miss my Dad so much. So so much...='(