Numbed out of feelings..

Haven't written here for a bit now. After telling him about my feelings we barely talked and it's been a month now. For some reason I'm all numbed out though. I don't feel as hurt or feel like I have to hear from him. Have I moved on? Not quite though because every now and then he still pops up in my mind and the pain comes back. After his birthday celebration, I have been going out to karaoke every week with my god sisters and god brothers. They are practically my other family. I drank and sang every week. I wanted out of my house because it's so depressing here. I hate coming home to an empty house because I know my Dad's not here anymore. Everytime I see his shrine I want to break down in tears. I had dreams about him going to heaven. I went to Texas last week for my Dad's 49th day after he passed to bring his urn to the temple where he wished to live by was. We had a great time and I feel much better now that I know he is at a safe place. I'm sick now. I got sick the day we came back to Georgia. I miss my Dad so much. I still can't get over that he's never coming back and I will never see him again. Sometimes I want to call that guy I'm so in love with and just tell him how I feel about everything but I can't because I know he wouldn't want to hear it. He was supposed to move here to live but he decided to stay where he's at. Maybe we will never be or maybe we will. I'm not waiting on him yet I don't want to move on. I'm so hurt by all the depressions that I could barely feel the pain. I'm so lifeless now. I need to breathe..somehow..My throat hurts so much. I should go to sleep now and take my mind off of everything..