In a better place..

The last four days have been extremely exhausting. My dad's funeral was bigger than he would have thought it to be. For the past few days, we have been chanting and praying to set his soul free. The Grand Monk told us that he's in a better place now and he doesn't have to go back to the cycle of reincarnation. He's in a world of peace and he's watching over us. Yesterday was the last day that we all got to see him physically. We've been so strong since he passed but when it was time for the cremation we all had a breakdown. I miss my dad so very much but I know that he's not suffering anymore and that he's found peace. My Grandma told me about my previous lives yesterday and it startled me. So me and Dad have known each other for three lives already. In my previous life I made a promise that where ever he goes I would follow to love and care for him somewhat like a dad. He was my master before but loved me like I'm his child. No wonder I felt like I had a very close connection to my dad that none of my sisters have. After hearing the truth, I realized that there's no need to be sad any longer because he is watching over all of us and he wouldn't want to see us that way. I'm so glad my Grandma is here to comfort me when I felt like it was the end. I now realize it's just the beginning of a new life without my dad and I'm going to have to get used to it. I have to live this life to the fullest so that he could see that he made everything happen for me. He will always be in my mind and heart.

On the third day of the funeral, my ex-bestfriend came to pay respect to my father and so did the guy I am in love with. I have talked to my ex-bestie in years now but he came to comfort me and to tell me to keep my head up. It was very weird talking to him again but it happened anyway. He told me that he was having problems too. His wife left him and took their kid with her. He say she might not let him see his son anymore. I told him things always get worse before it gets better or at least thats what I believe will happen. As for my guy, he came with his older sister, who is my sisters' friend and my godsister's bestfriend. He came to pay respect as well. It was such a surprise to me because i haven't really talked to him ever since the day my dad passed. Well I sort of did because he texted me to ask if I was okay. After he burned incent for my dad he asked me to step outside to talk to see if I was doing okay. He told me that he might come the next day for the cremation. We talked through facebook that night and it sort of felt like before when we used to talk.

Yesterday after the cremation, I went home and called him. He didn't come out to the funeral for the last day because he had nothing to wear but he told my godsister and his sister that he'd see me afterwards. So I called him and he told me he was getting his hair cut. He asked to hang out afterwards with one of our friend. When he called her she said she couldn't come out because she was busy. So we ended up going out alone. I picked him up at this bakery place we both knew and then he wanted to get McDonald's. We had a bad drive through experience..haha..Then I asked him where to and he asked if there was a park nearby. So we ended up at Bestfriend's Park once again. Funny how the first time we met after all the texts and stuff was the same bakery place I picked him up from then we left there to the same park we ended up going to. It's like it's starting over again. We walked and talked and played on the swing just like before but this time it was during the day. Plus, this time more like friends than lovers. We talked and joked about everything. I miss seeing him, hugging him, and seeing him smile. He moved back to Atlanta already so we might get the chance to see each other more. I know he is happier now than before when he was still trying to get over "her." I'm very happy to see him that way. He's laughing, smiling, joking and just normal again. Everytime we talked I wanted very much to tell him my feelings but I really didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. I miss him so much. I haven't seen him since September. When I took him back to the bakery, he told me on the way there that he still wanted us to be friends. I asked him was he scared that I'd just get out of his life out of nowhere? He told me that he was afraid of that. Then he told me he was sorry for not being there for me when my dad was in the hospital. He said he's not good with comforting people and he doesn't know how to deal with sad emotions. He hates seeing people sad and he hates to see himself sad too. Then he told me he likes to see me happy and when I'm happy just call him up to hang out because he doesn't know what to do when I'm sad. I almost told him then that I've been depressed partially because of him. Also, that it's hard being friends with him when I'm in love with him. I cautioned my mind though because I was afraid to lose this connection with him. Maybe it's best to give us a try again but this time slowly. Hopefully he sees everything I've done for him and maybe he'll fall for me for being who I am. I don't know though. It's a fool's thought but I can't help to think that. It must have been destiny thought for us to meet again in the same exact way. This time it hurts a little though. It hurts to be just friends with him. I know he's happy and I'm happy that he is but it still hurts....