slowly giving in..

I know I'm supposed to be strong but I'm getting weaker. I think I'm slowly giving in..I don't want or feel like doing anything anymore. I just want to lay in bed or stay at home and just cry. I know I need to be strong and I have been but I don't know how much longer I can hold it all in. I can't focus. I feel so..lost. That's what I was afraid of. Ever since dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, I've been so lost. Then he came around and I thought I was finding myself again but then we he left, I just go more lost. Now I'm too far out to be found.There's only so much I can take it at once but recentlynit's been loads and loads of stress, depression, and worries. I honestly don't know how to pick myself back up. I have no energy left in me to even want to try. My old friends are catching on to my problems and are trying to reach out for me but I don't have a will to grab their hands. I just want to bottle it up to myself because I don't want people to sympathize me or to come back in my life then leave again. I'm running low on strength and I put on a smile everyday to cover it up because I don't want people to feel bad or feel sad over me. If I can't be happy, I don't wish for anyone else to be sad like me. I always try to make them feel better even though I feel super depress. That's always been how I am and who I am. I wish everyone could be happy and healthy again. Man, I miss him so much. I feel like such a fool to always start a conversation with him so that we don't lose touch and so that I can know how he's doing. I know he's putting on a mask as well to cover up the pain. It hurts. Throughout these past weeks it still hurts so much. He makes it harder on me everyday. I look forward for a single reply from him. So far we've been in touch everyday but I feel so foolish. Love can turn a sane person insane and right now my sanity is long lost. I really want to tell him that he's been hurtin me and that I wish he knew how much I love him but I know that he doesn't feel the same. It'll just worsen everything for us. Being in love with someone who's in love with someone else is painful. A little too painful to take in right now. I think I'll wait to tell him when he moves back. I know he needs time. I need time. Funny how time is endless but so limited at the same time. I wish this pain in my heart would stop but it's only getting worse as I miss him..:'(