sick and broken..

I've been really sick these past two days. Yesterday I slept all day and still felt tired. The day before that, I had to wake up early in the morning to take my dad in to get a port placed in his chest. The doctor told us he needed it because they can't find veins on his arms anymore. I was so down that morning so I messaged...him. he replied to me and told me to stay strong and that he'd listen when he can. I know he's been busy so I don't really want to bother him but I can't help it. I miss him and I just want him to be there for me when I'm at my weakest point. I couldn't even think about him yesterday because I was completely drained out of energy. I chatted with him through messaging today though. We had a really good long conversation. He asked me what helps with depression. I told him that talking to people and doing things that he enjoys. Anything that kills time, really. I told him to trust me on this because I am suffering severe depression. Eventually everything numbs out for a bit and then it hits you all at once. That part I couldn't tell him. I told him I saw his sister and our godsister a couple times already. Our godsister asked me about him and about us. She asked me what happened and did things not work out between us? I just told her that I didn't know what she was talking about. All he said to that was "oh". What else can I tell her? That he broke my heart and left me hanging and fell in love with another girl and broke my heart again and again. Definitely not that. I know he's trying to be here for me. Not as anything special but just as a friend. I was feeling really miserable before but hearing from him made me feel a lot better. I don't want to tell him how I truly feel yet. Now is not the time. He's moving here in a month so I have all the time then. For now, I'm too tired and too sick. Every now and then I still cry. It still hurts a lot and no matter what I do I can't get rid of this feeling. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to help anyone really. I feel so useless. All I want is for everyone to be happy and healthy. I don't want him to keep doing what he does. It's not the best way to forget things. It helps temporarily but when it all comes back at once, the pain is excruciating. How can I reach out to him when he doesn't let me. I miss him so much. Sometimes I hate myself for missing him and for loving him but then again I don't get to choose. I've tried all that I can in my power and nothing works. Knowing that he's still deeply hurt, hurts me more than anything...I am so tired..my head hurts and I'm burning up.. I haven't been eating much and everything tastes so bitter to me..I wish all of this would just go away......='(