Out of focus..

I have been so out of focus lately on everything. I had a test yesterday and I had to force myself to get my head in the game. I can't focus on school work and it's bugging me out. I have to do 24 sketches for class later today and I still haven't gotten to it yet. I don't know what's going on with me..Luckily, this morning he talked to me while I was studying and it helped loosen me up from the tension a lot. We had a long conversation today through messaging. We told jokes and laughed. It reminded me of how we were before and I miss it so much. I miss those days when everything was so carefree and fun. So much has changed since then. It's been almost 8 or 9 months since the beginning of us. At first I thought I was annoying him and I even asked him if I was but he told me that I'm not and that he knows I'm going through a lot right now and it's hard on me. He actually understands and...care? All this time I thought he was careless about what goes on in my life but he cares. I tested him and asked him how he manages to pull it all together and he told me what he does every night. It's a little disappointing but I understand that that's the main thing holding him in one piece. I'm a bit happier today because I actually get to talk to him for awhile. I miss him so much..Soon he will move here and hopefully we will get to talk more. I sound a bit pathetic huh? I don't even know why I think like that when I know he still has her in his heart. I'm not even sure if he's still talking to her or not. Last time he told me that they weren't talking anymore but I haven't asked since. I don't mean to overthink things or to make myself feel pathetic but I can't help it. For right now, all I know is I love him and I know that he doesn't love me but that won't stop me from loving him. Just because someone you love is in love with someone else doesn't mean you automatically unlove them. Falling out of love with a person is challenging. The most challenging part about all of this is staying in love with him when I nearly want to break apart into a billion of pieces. I'm in desperate need for help. I need to relieve some stress and tension because it's killing me. I can't focus and I'm just all over the place. Besides, him, my dad is my other stress problem. I'm really worried about him. He's not eating much from the chemotherapy again and he's weak. He can't sit up from his bed on his own. He can barely call for help because his lymph nodes in his neck has gotten so big they are pressed against his vocals and nerves causing him to lose his voice. Everytime he calls for someone he tries to knock on the walls..It's so devastating to see him like this. He was once so strong. I've always looked up to my dad growing up. I've always wanted to be as strong and successful as him. He's been through a lot in his life and throughout his life he have always worked to give my sisters and I a better life than what he had growing up. Now that he's sick and weak it is our turn to repay him with love, care, and respect. Everytime I see the bruises on his body and how boney he's gotten I just want to breakdown then and there. His skin has gotten so thin that even a bit of pressure can easily bruise him. He can't walk as much as he like because his legs are so weak now too. I have a feeling that the chemo isn't helping him much anymore. He said he doesn't want to have chemo done anymore after this cycle. If he stops the cancer will spread and worsen. A few months back when Grandma came to visit, she read my zodiac horoscope for this year. Grandma is a healer, feng shui master, and she can meditate back in the past and predict the future. She is very talented in many other fields too. She told me that my horoscope says that in July or August of this year a family member of mine will past away. Ever since I heard those words, I haven't been able to pull myself together. I'm afraid and worried. I know it may or may not be true but it still pains me to even think about it. I just want my dad to be happy and healthy again like before. I wish they could hurry and find a cure for lung cancer, He is a hardworking and loving father. He is always up and about when it comes to helping others. This is not how it should be. It's really unfair to let him suffer this way..The worst part is I can only watch it happen because I there's nothing I can do to stop it or to help him....='(