it hurts more everyday..

I've realized how strong of a person I've been up until now. Now, I'm just weak. I know I can't be though because he told me he needs for me to be strong so he could be too. I am being the strongest I can be for him. I'm doing everything in my power to not breakdown on him. He doesn't understand how much pain my heart's going through. Everyday that goes by the pain just grows stronger and stronger. I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted. I want to just shut down forever. I want to shut the world out and live inside the darkness. The feelings he feels for her and all of his pain is affecting me. It hurts to know he is in love with another person and it hurts to know he's hurting because of her. I wish there is something I can do to save him from all this hurt but I can't even save myself. The more he hurts the worse it is for me. Someone suggested that I let go of my feelings for him then I won't hurt but can help him. That's so much easier said than done though because I'd be way over him by now if I could let go. Something about him is holding on to me or forcing me to hold on. I wish he could see through it all. Things won't work out the way he wants it to and it's definitely not worth trading your family for. Family have always been there and will always be there for you no matter how many times you screw up or how many times you fall. It's not like him to be like this but I know it's the love side talking. I wish he knew how much I'm hurting for him. Actually for both of them and myself. He loves her but she doesn't love him and I love him but he doesn't love me. It's like a triangle and somehow I ended up at the bottom where the pain is harsher than any other place. All I've been doing is crying and crying and thinking of how much it hurts. It's eating me up inside. Slowly it's killing me and there's not one thing I can do to stop it. The pain is so sharp and deep, I don't know how to endure. I just lie there holding my heart as if I could stop the pain from coming on the outside. Even though I'm going through all this pain, I still manage to put a smile on my face and act like nothing's wrong. I don't want anyone to know how much it hurts and how bad it's going for me. I don't want anyone to be dragged down to my melancholic level. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm always thinking about others and for others but who's really thinking of me or for me? Appetite has been a challenge for me for the past few days. I simply lost appetite and found it so hard to eat anything. Not even my favorite foods and beverages. My close friend has been forcing me to eat everytime I go over to her place. I just don't want to eat. No part of me is happy and when I see food I get scared of it. I don't want it near me and I don't want to eat it. What's wrong with me? Is this all part of depression? If it is it's affecting me more than ever because I can't focus on anything and I've been delaying school work and just completely everything. I'm afraid of all this but at the same time I'm letting it get the best of me because I'm way too weak to fight back like before. The only happiness I really am having now is when I get to hear from him that he's doing okay and not hurting too bad. Sometimes, he'd even joke around with me. It's crazy how strong I am to hold back every shocking pain just to pretend to smile and laugh so that he could feel better. No one can save me now..I'm letting it take over me..Why does it have to hurt this much and all at once?....='(