I miss him so...

I miss him so much..We're still talking to each other but not the way we once did before. I know he's still in love and depressed over her so I don't want to push it. This is good enough for me. I just want to make sure that he's ok and that he's not thinking crazy thoughts. I know he looks forward to doing what he does everyday just to not think about anything or her. It hurts to see him abuse himself that way. I know when he's sobered up, it will hit him so hard. It sucks to feel this way. I know he only sees me as a friend but why do I have to feel more for him? How come it's so hard to let go of my feelings for him? I hate feeling this way. I hate the longing feeling of waiting for a reply or a call from him. What difference does it make when he only sees me as another person in his life? How tragic this all turned out to be..I'm so sick of crying and hurting but I just can't help myself. He's always telling me that I'm the best and that I am a very strong girl but if only he knew. If only he knew he weakens me by just speaking to me. Life is so unpredictable. This was never how I expected things to turn out. A part of me just want to tell him how I truly feel for him but the other part of me is holding me back. I know if I do it might jeopardize even being just "friends" with him. That's just the problem though. I can't be just friends with some I am in love with. There are just too many things going on with my life right now and I just can't seem to get my head in the game. I am losing all motivations and hopes..Sometimes I wish everyone could see that the strongest aren't always strong and that they have weak sides too. He's always thinking I'm such a strong person but I'm not. My only strength is acting. I always act like I'm okay and that everything is going right but deep down I know it's not. I cry myself to sleep every night. I don't even have anyone to tell all my miserable issues with so instead I have to write in my blog. I feel so alone. I feel like everything is tearing me apart. I don't want to cry anymore but I can't stop. I am the type of person who is willing to help anyone even a stranger when in need but how come when it comes down to me no one is here to help me. Not even my close ones. I don't recall hurting anyone so why is everyone always hurting me?...='(