Stressed..

I feel so exhausted, worn out, stumped, whatever it is. Spent the last hours looking over bills that are over due, due now or due soon. Never seen so many bills in my life except for in the Sims game lol I am stressed out even though school just officially ended today. Well, technically yesterday the 4th. I feel really sad about everything. My dad was always head of the house. He paid for bills, fixed/repaired things, cook for us, and everything else for this family. He was our superdad and seeing him like this now breaks my heart into billions of pieces. All of the bills were piled in his office in our home unpaid and unseen by any of us. He still wants to be the superdad we always look up to even when he doesn't have the strength anymore. He's been really weak and he feel three times this week. He won't let us help him with the bills or help him up when he fell. I feel like such a bad daughter for not being able to help him with anything but all I can do is stand there and watch him and hold my tears back as much as I could. My dad is a great person. He's never done anything wrong to deserve lung cancer. I don't regret anything in my life besides those years that I've hurt him through disappointment. All he does is stay home now because he's unable to drive. It's too cold for him to go outside and he's way too weak to walk for long. I feel awful seeing him trapped inside his own home forced to do nothing but sleep, eat, and watch TV. He was always an outgoing person. He knows many people and they all loved him. He loved to plant things and he loves pets. It's pretty tough to see how much has changed within 9 months. He was so strong, so energetic, free, and happy but now he's just so weak, depressed, and it seems like he's lost all motivations. I love my dad. He's the best dad one could ever wish for. Why did it have to be him that had this incurable cancer? It's so twisted how bad things happen to good people. I want to help him but he won't let me. I want to reach out to him, lend him a hand in times of need, and to show him that I will always be here for him no matter what. Everything is tearing me apart.

I really wish my guy would come around by now because I really need as much comfort as possible. I just lost a great friend yesterday whom I haven't really spoken to since high school and now my dad's conditions worry me. I don't understand how he could be so cold hearted towards me when all I've ever done is love him. It hurts so bad to feel this way. I don't want to feel bitter towards this situation but right now in my head, all I have are the negatives and saddest thoughts. If he doesn't feel anything anymore than why does he keep coming back to me right when I plan on giving up. I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm disappointed because he turned out to be someone I never intended to come across. This was never the way I wanted things to go. I'm hurt, depressed, and mad tired. All i can do is cry. Crying out every pain I feel. ='(