Today my dad's condition has gotten even worse. He's been really out of it lately. He's been having hallucinations of things and he'd run around the house looking for them. It breaks my heart seeing him this way. I can't do anything to help him and it tears me up just thinking about how useless I am. I took him to get his blood work done so that they can put him through chemotherapy tomorrow but the nurse called my sister and told her that his red blood count is really low. We might have to do blood infusion instead. He's not eating much and he's taking way too many medicines in a day. He's just skin and bones now compare to 9 months ago when he was diagnosed. I want to cry everytime I look at him because he's so much weaker now and there's not much motivation in him. I can't do or say anything to help him feel better or get better. I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid to have to lose him. I need him in my life. Out of all the men I met in my life my dad will always be my number one, my superdad. I feel so stressed out, worried, and just about everything is turning me sentimental. I'm being the strongest I can be to hold myself up from this painful fall. I really wish my dad would get better soon and that they would hurry up and find a cure for everyone with lung cancer.
My other heartbreak is him of course. The guy that's been breaking my heart down into millions and billions of pieces. After what I texted him, he didn't respond until 9 pm yesterday. He replied to me through a Facebook message, saying that he was sorry and the he haven't been the best person towards me and there's no excuse for how he's been treating me. He said no deserves to be treated that way. Then he goes on saying that he doesn't know if I still want to be friends with an ass like him but he'd like to just start by texting each other from time to time if I'm still cool with that. Last he added a "Ps left my phone at work." So I replied to him saying I don't know and that I was scared. He haven't replied to me yet but I'm guessing and hoping he will tomorrow. He's making me feel so scared to let him stay in my life. I want to tell him I'm in love with him but I have a feeling he already knows. I don't know if being friends the brightest choice here because what if I keep falling in deeper? He knows this too. What is it about him that I can't seem to let go? If we were meant to be then we'd be but if not why keep us trapped in each other's life? I wonder if he's thinking about me right now. I know I said I didn't want him to be a part of my life anymore but he's constantly on my mind and I can't seem to shake him out of my head. Why am I such a hopeless romantic and why does he have to be so carefree? Everything is causing pain for my heart. How many times does my heart have to break for him to understand my love? I love him. It's an awfully wonderful feeling but right now it's a very sharp weapon ripping through my heart...='(
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