Lovely night but lonely soul..

Tonight the weather is absolutely perfect. It's not too cold outside tonight like it was other nights. The moon is shining bright and the star are scattered all over the place.The night sky is so beautiful tonight and I couldn't help but to stop just to look up. For a moment time paused for me. I felt like I was getting suck into the universe but when I came back to reality I realized that I'm so lonely. All of this only makes me miss him more. I wish he could be here to look at the beautiful scenery with me. I almost called him and texted him today but I know he doesn't care anymore so what's the point? Sometimes, I wonder if he thinks about me..I know I should let go of the feelings I have for him  but  I honestly can't. I feel like there's a force pushing me towards him and I can't draw myself back from it. I wish I could have a couple drinks right now just to forget everything for just a moment. All I see is flashbacks of what used to be between us. WIth each memory follows a teardrop. I miss him more than I thought I would. I love him more than I should. I can't let go of him when I know I have to in order to move forward. I know it seems like I'm putting all the pain on myself by not letting go but I just feel like this shouldn't end this way. I want him to tell me himself that he's lost all feelings for me, that he never cared about me, that he only wanted to sleep with me for fun, that he hated talking to me, that kisses, hand holding, dinner dates, the NY trip, and everything else we did meant absolutely nothing. I want him to be able to shut my feelings down if that's what he's trying to do right now. I can't put out this passion until he tells me himself. I want him to say it and not my conscious. I want him to show me I was wrong, blinded, stupid, and naive for believing he cared or actually had something for me..For now, everything is in intense pain because a part of me still believes in him and that he still feels it for me. The other half believes that everything was just a big fat lie and I fell hard to the point where I became the joke. I don't understand how he could treat me this way.. I can't hold back from my tears and my memories have been replaying itself in my head like a song put on repeat...='(