A cold, sad night..

It's freezing outside tonight but the moon is very round and lovely. I think I'm getting sick though because I woke up with a sore throat and a huge headache. I tried calling him about 15 minutes ago but he didn't pick up so I texted him. I said I wanted to tell him something but he's still neglecting me for no reason so why don't he call me back when he's ready. It pains me to see where we've landed with all this. We went from friends who barely communicate, to friends who started to talk again, to texters, to hang out/daters, to dating couples, to distant friends, and now we're here at square one, strangers again. He's telling me he wants to be nothing more than just a friend with me but he's not even trying to be my friend. All I wanted to tell him is that I respect his decisions because love can't be force upon another or happiness will never happen for us. I wanted to tell him that I don't hate him or think of him in any bad way like how he think I do. I know it's weird that I don't think of him as an asshole or such but I just don't. He's not wrong for not wanting to be with me and I'm not wrong for wanting to be with him. There is no right or wrong in all of this but I just wish he'd tell it to me directly instead of ignoring me to get away from the problem. I'm human as well and I do have feelings. I hate how he treats me like I've done something wrong when all I've done is try to reach out to him. He should have never started anything he was too afraid to finish. He makes me feel like a fool that's fallen head over heels for him. What hurts more is when he saw me fall he never caught me. Now that I've hit the ground, I'm the only one who can help myself up. I wish he never talked to me on FB that one day. I wished he never texted me and that I never gave him my number. I wish he never booked his ticket to go to NYC with me. I wish he never held my hands, kiss my hand, and kiss me that first night. I wish I never got blazed with him the night before NY. I wish we never did anything in NY like go on dates, hold hands, kiss, call each other babe, and make love. I wish he never brought me over to his brother's house to meet everyone. Why treat me as if I'm someone to him and then the next second make me look like a fool imagining that I am. He lead me on to the point where I can't erase him out of my life and then he goes and erase me out of his. It hurts. It hurts with a passion and I can't describe the achy feeling in my heart. Why did he have to lead me on? He said his guilt was eating him up from the inside but his words, touch, and all memories of him is constantly stabbing my heart. I don't understand. What makes him so different from other guys I've dated before? Why can't I let him go when he's hurting me? It's so cruel to love someone and to know that they don't, won't, and never will love you nor do they want to. I feel even sicker now. TIme to cry my eyes out, take meds, and sleep. I have nobody left to express things to because I don't want anyone to feel what I feel because this pain will never go away it seems...