Starry night..

Tonight all the stars are out and the moon is super rounded and bright. What a romantic sight it is! The only thing missing is him. I know that at this point, we'll never be able to return back to before. I know  he's long forgotten about me because he doesn't even call or text anymore. I merely a thought to him like I once was. From now on we'll only be strangers..=( This isn't what I wanted but this is where I landed so I don't have a choice but to suck it up. New Year's around the corner and it sucks that I don't have a special person to share this amazing start with. I don't understand why up until now I can't stop thinking about him or missing him. I wish things were different but I know this is how it was meant to be. I need to drink some alcohol to get him out of my mind for just a minute at least if possible. I feel like I can't face all my problems at once anymore. I don't vent my feelings like I did before. It's like whenever I want to, a part of me stops me from doing it. It's like I'm afraid to see or speak my mind and thoughts..='(

Christmas

I know I haven't been on for a bit but I've pretty busy with work and such. Yesterday was Christmas and I had a splendid time with friends and family. I got a bunch of gifts and the cool thing is every one of them are blue of some sort. Got everything I wanted this year but one thing: him. It's ok though because I have enough people and things in my life to make up for it though. I'm really glad my dad had fun and everyone was safe and healthy. Couldn't have asked for a better Christmas! I miss him a lot though. I wish he would stop treating me this way but then again I'm the one who allowed him to and I just can't help it. I have to find a way to move on but every now and then he still crosses my mind as if it were yesterday when we were together. It hurts really bad but I'm staying my strongest because I have to. Now's not the time for me to break down..

I'm so worried..

I went to work all day and barely got to spend time or see my dad today. I'm so worried about what's to come. I know everyone says that this is the time to be happy and spend more time with my dad but it's so hard when I know what to expect. I'm worried for  my mom. She seems strong on the outside but I know on the inside it's tearing her apart as well. I wish my dad could stay at least a year or two more so he can see my little sister graduate and to see my nephew grow up..T_T..The guy that I'm talking to has been on and off again. Why do people keep coming in and out of my life to hurt me? I don't want anyone anymore. My dad's the only male I need.

It's getting harder..

I feel like it's getting harder to breathe. My dad finally got out of the hospital today and he's feeling a lot better than the other day. I love my dad. Grandma told us to prepare because she knows he isn't going to be here for long. I hate not knowing things but sometimes when I know everything..I can't handle it. I never want that day to come. I wish there was something I can do to stop the time. My supposed half brother is coming down to see my dad on the 20th. I don't even know why he bothered to drag his ass down here when he was missing in every event his whole life. Now that my dad's condition is getting worse he's coming?! He should've have moved here like we suggested in the first place. I hate him. He's hurt my dad for too long and I refuse to put him in my life. Grandma said we can't cry when dad parts us or shake his body. We have to keep it silent so that his soul can go up higher and higher to heaven. We can't hold him back with our tears. I don't want to talk about these stuff because I don't want it to happen. I've been crying every night and I'm so scared that that day is getting closer to us. I'm not ready for this or for anything. I just want my dad to be here with me to see me grow up, get married, and create grand kids for him. I'm worried about my mom too. I know she's trying so hard to be strong for all of us and so that we can stop worrying about her. I know deep down she's scared and hurt too. I don't want to break down in front of her because I know she will too. I miss those day when everything was okay and our family was so happy and carefree. Now it seems like we're near the end and everything is crumbling. I don't want to lose my dad. He's my superdad, my favorite person, I feel awful even thinking about this..='(

:'(

At 4 am they transferred my dad to Northside hospital. The MRI results showed that his cancer has spreaded throughout his body and he only has 6 weeks left to live max. I don'tvwant things to be this way. I want him to be here when I graduate, when I get my first real job, when I get married, when I have kids, and so many future events. I don't know how much I can handle. I feel like everything js tearing me apart. I just want him to feel better and be able to do and go where ever he wants go. Please let my dad be okay. I need him in my life to see me succeed in this amazing life he's worked so hard to get for my sisters and I..:'( I'm not ready for this..

Staying as strong as possible..

Today I took my dad in for chemotherapy but when we got there to see the doctor first, we discovered his confusion and hallucinations worsened. So after chemo, we had to take him to the ER for an MRI scan of his brain to see if the mass in his brain has made any changes. He is low on red blood cells, platelets, and he's dehydrated. Before we went to the ER, I took him home first to meet up with the rest of the family. I broke out in tears taking him home because he forgot where our house was and he forgot a lot of things. He couldn't walk normal and he slurs we he talked. Seeing him like that made me nearly break down. I was so afraid that something is in his brain causing him to act this way. He is still in the ER and my sister and my mom is there with him for tonight. They are still waiting on the results of his MRI scan. We all are. I hope he gets better because I can't do this without him. I love my dad and I just can't handle it if something were to happen to him. Please, please let him be okay. He's a good person and he deserves to live longer to see his children succeed and to see his grandchildren grow up.

This morning when I checked my Facebook I saw that my guy replied to me saying "Then it's ok we'll leave this at that." I asked him if he was sure I wasn't a bother to him and he said that sometimes he doesn't want to talk to anyone. I texted his phone saying that I still want to be able to talk to him and that I was sorry for what I said before because I didn't know what to feel or how to feel. I've been really out of it because of my dad's issues. Then he text me back asking me what's going on and I told him that I was sitting with my dad while he was getting chemo done. He asked how my dad was doing and I told him not so great because he's been confused and weak and I feel so useless not being able to help. He texted back saying that I've done all I could so I shouldn't feel that way. So I replied saying that I know I shouldn't feel that way but it's so hard not to when I see my dad like that. So he goes on saying that I've spent my time being with my dad so I should cherish that. I told him that I am and I'm just glad my dad still remembers me and my family because he doesn't remember much of anything else. So he wrote me a long paragraph saying that I'm a really strong person and a loving daughter. My dad's lucky to have me to take care of him and he probably knows it too. He told me to stay strong for my dad and my little sister too and be by my dad's side so he can have that feel of comfort. I told him I was being the strongest I could be for my dad and my family. I thanked him for making me feel better. He replied saying, "No problem if anything I'm sorry." So I asked what he was sorry for and he said for not being the best friend he could be. I told him that it's ok because he's here for me now when I need it the most. So he goes on telling me to "just stay positive :)". I missed this. Us communicating like before. I know it's at a very rough time but at least he's trying to be here for me when I'm feeling my weakest. So I told him that I was being positive and went on asking about his life. He said everything is going well for the most part and that he's just getting everything together. So I asked if he was getting his paperworks done but he hasn't replied yet. It's ok though, I bet he's sleeping. I'm glad he came back into my life to support me because for just a second I almost couldn't take it anymore. We played and joke around with my dad in the hospital because he was seeing weird things and saying weird things but I know deep down everyone feel the pain. It hurts just that much seeing him like that. It's not normal for him to be that out of his normal state and it could be serious. I'm worried, more worried than ever. I really do need things to get better because no matter how strong one is they always have a weak point.. I can't stop crying now thinking about my dad. All I can do now is pray, pray, and pray..='(

Heartbroken.

Today my dad's condition has gotten even worse. He's been really out of it lately. He's been having hallucinations of things and he'd run around the house looking for them. It breaks my heart seeing him this way. I can't do anything to help him and it tears me up just thinking about how useless I am. I took him to get his blood work done so that they can put him through chemotherapy tomorrow but the nurse called my sister and told her that his red blood count is really low. We might have to do blood infusion instead. He's not eating much and he's taking way too many medicines in a day. He's just skin and bones now compare to 9 months ago when he was diagnosed. I want to cry everytime I look at him because he's so much weaker now and there's not much motivation in him. I can't do or say anything to help him feel better or get better. I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid to have to lose him. I need him in my life. Out of all the men I met in my life my dad will always be my number one, my superdad. I feel so stressed out, worried, and just about everything is turning me sentimental. I'm being the strongest I can be to hold myself up from this painful fall. I really wish my dad would get better soon and that they would hurry up and find a cure for everyone with lung cancer.

My other heartbreak is him of course. The guy that's been breaking my heart down into millions and billions of pieces. After what I texted him, he didn't respond until 9 pm yesterday. He replied to me through a Facebook message, saying that he was sorry and the he haven't been the best person towards me and there's no excuse for how he's been treating me. He said no deserves to be treated that way. Then he goes on saying that he doesn't know if I still want to be friends with an ass like him but he'd like to just start by texting each other from time to time if I'm still cool with that. Last he added a "Ps left my phone at work." So I replied to him saying I don't know and that I was scared. He haven't replied to me yet but I'm guessing and hoping he will tomorrow. He's making me feel so scared to let him stay in my life. I want to tell him I'm in love with him but I have a feeling he already knows. I don't know if being friends the brightest choice here because what if I keep falling in deeper? He knows this too. What is it about him that I can't seem to let go? If we were meant to be then we'd be but if not why keep us trapped in each other's life? I wonder if he's thinking about  me right now. I know I said I didn't want him to be a part of my life anymore but he's constantly on my mind and I can't seem to shake him out of my head. Why am I such a hopeless romantic and why does he have to be so carefree? Everything is causing pain for my heart. How many times does my heart have to break for him to understand my love? I love him. It's an awfully wonderful feeling but right now it's a very sharp weapon ripping through my heart...='(

Disappointed..='(

I'm really disappointed in the fact that he never called or text me back. Earlier I saw that he was on Facebook so I messaged him saying "hi" but he ignored me and switched to mobile. So I worked up some nerves and sent him one final text. I told him that I feel like a bother to him than a friend. He said he wanted to be nothing more than a friend and I respected that but I feel more like strangers with memories. I told him he's a guy so it's probably easy for him to forget things but for me it's just so difficult. Then I said maybe we shouldn't be anything..not even friends because it's so difficult being friends with someone you fell for and when they act like you don't even exist. I told him I was sorry for being such a bother to his life and bye. I don't want to be hurt like this. I've held on because I love him but he doesn't even care about me. Not even one bit. It's hurts so damn much that I can feel and hear the sound of the pain my heart. Sometimes I wonder why we did we do everything, say everything, and just fall apart like this. Why did he have to talk to me and come into my life and became more than just a stranger to me? Now we're nothing but strangers with memories and it's hard when I'm the only one that actually still have those memories. I miss him so much but he keeps breaking my heart. Every day gets harder and harder for me. He wanted to be friends but he treats me less than that. Friends don't hurt each other like that or avoid each other. How come all guys want to do is mess with my heart, break it, and walk away? I'm getting weaker in this area and I don't think I want my heart to heal because he'll just break it again. These flashbacks won't go away and everytime I see theme the images just gets clearer. It makes it even harder to forget we actually had memories, good times, and we shared something special between us. I can't type anymore..my tears won't stop flowing..='(

Stressed..

I feel so exhausted, worn out, stumped, whatever it is. Spent the last hours looking over bills that are over due, due now or due soon. Never seen so many bills in my life except for in the Sims game lol I am stressed out even though school just officially ended today. Well, technically yesterday the 4th. I feel really sad about everything. My dad was always head of the house. He paid for bills, fixed/repaired things, cook for us, and everything else for this family. He was our superdad and seeing him like this now breaks my heart into billions of pieces. All of the bills were piled in his office in our home unpaid and unseen by any of us. He still wants to be the superdad we always look up to even when he doesn't have the strength anymore. He's been really weak and he feel three times this week. He won't let us help him with the bills or help him up when he fell. I feel like such a bad daughter for not being able to help him with anything but all I can do is stand there and watch him and hold my tears back as much as I could. My dad is a great person. He's never done anything wrong to deserve lung cancer. I don't regret anything in my life besides those years that I've hurt him through disappointment. All he does is stay home now because he's unable to drive. It's too cold for him to go outside and he's way too weak to walk for long. I feel awful seeing him trapped inside his own home forced to do nothing but sleep, eat, and watch TV. He was always an outgoing person. He knows many people and they all loved him. He loved to plant things and he loves pets. It's pretty tough to see how much has changed within 9 months. He was so strong, so energetic, free, and happy but now he's just so weak, depressed, and it seems like he's lost all motivations. I love my dad. He's the best dad one could ever wish for. Why did it have to be him that had this incurable cancer? It's so twisted how bad things happen to good people. I want to help him but he won't let me. I want to reach out to him, lend him a hand in times of need, and to show him that I will always be here for him no matter what. Everything is tearing me apart.

I really wish my guy would come around by now because I really need as much comfort as possible. I just lost a great friend yesterday whom I haven't really spoken to since high school and now my dad's conditions worry me. I don't understand how he could be so cold hearted towards me when all I've ever done is love him. It hurts so bad to feel this way. I don't want to feel bitter towards this situation but right now in my head, all I have are the negatives and saddest thoughts. If he doesn't feel anything anymore than why does he keep coming back to me right when I plan on giving up. I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm disappointed because he turned out to be someone I never intended to come across. This was never the way I wanted things to go. I'm hurt, depressed, and mad tired. All i can do is cry. Crying out every pain I feel. ='(

Loss..='(

Today a friend of mine since high school passed away. He was fine a few days ago. His death was very unexpected. I miss talking to him and joking around with him like we did back in high school. We must cherish and appreciate those who we love and care for because they may be here today but they might not be tomorrow. I feel really sad but I know he's in a better place now and that he has many many people who loves and cares for him. He will always be loved and remembered because he was just that great of a person to everyone he met and knows.

Talking about all of that reminds me of my guy again. Maybe this is the reason why I've held on so long and still haven't let go. I feel like he's worth waiting on and I don't want another loss in my life. Sometimes I feel like texting him to tell him exactly how I feel but then again I'm afraid to jeopardize our friendship.I'm lost in my thoughts. I miss him so much. I really want to tell him that I fell in love with him and that's why being strangers again with him is almost unbearably painful. I still feel happy when he calls and I fall in love with him all over again. How am i going to tell him I love him when he doesn't even pick up when I call or reply to any of my texts. I'm probably cleared out of his mind now. I keep getting flashbacks of our memories and my tears automatically flow by themselves. Missing him and thinking of him is like a daily routine for me now. I know he said he doesn't want any type of relationship over the friendship stage but he's completely blocking me out as if I'm a stranger. All I want is to hear his voice everyday even if it's for a minute. I never expected it to be like that for us. I would do anything to turn back the hands of time. I wonder if he feels the pain too or is he talking to someone new already. Guys are so unpredictable. They get bored of things fast and move on without considering others' feelings. I feel beyond depress. I wish he could just call me and tell me exactly what is on his mind. I know he still feels it for me. It's a hunch I have and women's hunches are always true. If only I could read his mind. I miss him dearly. When will I ever get to be in his arms again, kiss his lips again or even see his face again even if it's from afar..='(

missing him more than ever

I miss him a lot right now and I'm not even sure why. It's been a few days since we talked last and I still can't get that out of my mind. Why does he keep coming back to me if there's nothing between us? I don't know if he noticed but I can't turn back anymore. I love him. I know it seems foolish but love is love. It happens when it happens and I don't have the ability to stop it. I know he doesn't feel the same and I'm not asking him to but damn I just miss him so much. Everytime he comes around I feel like I'm dreaming and everything is made up in my mind but it's not. When he leaves again, it feels like I'm entering my own torture land. I wish things never turned out like this. I couldn't evade it though. I want us to be able to talk and laugh like before. I want him to text and call me like how he used to. Why does everything have to go down this road? Maybe if I go to sleep now, the next morning I wake up things will return to normal..HA! Who am I kidding?! I remember when he used to call me at 4 in the morning just to talk. What happened to that? I really want to talk to him. Please..I'd do anything to turn things around for us..

Endless thoughts..

Tomorrow I have a test but I honestly don't feel like studying right now. I know I have to though so I will but for now, I need to brush off what's on my mind. So I called him yesterday and he didn't reply. I've been leaving him alone for a bit because he haven't been replying. Today he called me and I missed his call. I held my phone in my lap and all of a sudden it dialed his number and when I saw the screen turn green I hung up. Then I saw his missed call on my call log so I called him back. He actually picked up. I asked him did he call me and he said yes and started to talk to me. He said he was sorry for not talking to me lately..=) Then I told him it was okay and he asked me if it really was okay. I told him I'm not sure. Then he told me I could yell at him if I want to and I asked him does he want me to yell at him. He said he didn't know or care as long as it made me feel better. I told him I could yell at him but I won't. I rather talk to him instead than to waste time that I get to talk to him. I know it seems like I keep falling for the same trap but I honestly can't help it. When I see his calls, texts or hear his voice everything within me lights up with joy. I miss him more than anything and to be able to hear his voice again makes me melt. I truly do think I'm in love with him and I can't explain how or why. Love isn't measurable and it has no limits. Only thing is, he doesn't love me. I wonder if he's just being nice or does he actually care? Sometimes it truly does become difficult to tell. Okay enough venting for today. Back to studying for my last exam for this course.

Neglect..

I've been neglecting my feelings and emotions. I tried to occupy myself with as many things as possible so I don't or won't think of him. Nothing would work though because at the end of the day, I'm still here reminiscing. I bet I'm not even a thought in his mind anymore. I hate myself for not being able to let go and I hate myself for not wanting to let go. This is a cruel world and people will come and go as they please. Why don't I get the picture? I haven't been on here in a couple of days because I always end up spilling my heart of this guy who doesn't even seem to care about my existence anymore. It's sad because I'm not even sure if he ever did care before. When will guys give me a break and stop breaking my heart? Maybe I should just give up on love for good. All I know is I can't neglect my pain for long. It'll come and get me sooner or later. I miss him so much. I honestly wish things weren't like this. I thought we were heading somewhere but now it's completely disconnected and he's gone for good..='(

Late night thoughts..

I just got home from watching Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 half an hour ago with my second family. I realized I haven't been out much lately and that I haven't seen a movie for over 3 months already. The last movie I saw was Ice Age 3 in NY with him. I missed that night and I miss him very much. I remember that night my other friend was supposed to go to the movies with us too but he bailed so we could be alone. So me and him ended up going to the movies to watch Ice Age 3. He was the one that wanted to watch it actually. We made out during the previews that night because it was going on and on. It was so cold in that theater that night. The whole time I was trying to keep him warm so he wouldn't be sick. It was really funny because we started to lift all the arms on the seats up to lay down. I told him to lay in my arms and I'll keep him warm because I wasn't cold at all. He started to crack up and told me that I was pulling guy moves because I was wrapping my arms around him. It was a really cute, vivid night. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember after the movies, we went to Dave and Buster's. he got me a little stuffed tiger. I still have right here with me. A day before we left to go back to Atlanta from NYC, he went to D&B and won me a big stuffed dog. Sad thing was I didn't bring it back to Atlanta with me because it was way too big and I had nowhere to put it and no way to hold it on the plane. I regret that I didn't bring it back with me but then again, it would've been filled with tears by now if I did. I miss all the beautiful and unforgettable memories we shared. It hurts a lot to finally realize that's he moved on without me. I really don't think he cares about me or think about me anymore. I feel so hurt when I think about how he could just push every feeling he's ever had for me away and erase every memory we ever made. Sometimes, I wish my life could be like in the movies. It always starts out bad but the ending is always a fairytale. True love never dies and it lives on forever. I loved how the ending of the movie I watched earlier ended with "forever". Bella and Edward deserved every bit of that happy ever after because they fought their way through every single obstacle. I envy the relationship and communication they had towards each other. Their love is a love any couple would wish to have but since this is a reality we live in, that type of love is rare. Again comes the unwanted tears. I'm not sure if all this pain is making me stronger or tearing me apart. It's sad how memories could last forever unchanged but the people who creates them are alway subjective to change. What a cruel, cruel world this is..='(

Still here waiting..

I still miss him like how I did the first time we met. I remember when he used to ask me, "How can you miss me if I never left?" I always answer back and tell him that someone doesn't have to be absent for them to be missed. My heart misses him not my eyes so why does it matter if he's there or not. I miss those days when we used to talk all the time and continuously text each other. It's been three months plus and I still feel the same for him as I first did in the beginning. It's just sad how he doesn't feel the same for me and how much things have changed in such a short period of time. It's been tough facing this truth, this reality, but I have to get through it somehow. There's not a second where I don't think about him. Ever since we've distant, I've been thinking of him even more. This isn't how it's suppose to be. This isn't what I expected in the beginning. Where has the time gone? I feel like this whole time I've been stuck in a time warp and I just can't find my way out of it. On the other hand, he's already moved on from everything that happened to us. He doesn't call or text me anymore. I'm just back to being another person to him. Life is so strange. Why did we have to meet if we'll just walk different paths later on? Eventually, we'll be strangers again. We'll see each other and act as if the past was a dream and nothing is important enough to remember. I know I won't forget anything that happened between us because I can't deny the fact that it did. He might find it as a dream he woke up from but to me it's a nightmare I'm still living in. I can't let go of the memories, him or anything that went on between us. Why deny and hide your feeling from someone who has always been there for you? I understand now that this is how we differed. He's too afraid to face his feelings for me and I'm too afraid to let go of my feelings for him. I know it's a foolish thing to do but everytime 11:11 hits, I make a wish. Every night when I look up at the sky and there are stars twinkling all over the place, I make a wish. Sometimes it doesn't matter where two people end up in life, even if it's two different paths, they should always be happy and thankful that they have once walked the same path together. I guess besides waiting for his return, the least I can do is wish for him to be happy where ever he is and with whoever he's with.  I'll always miss him. He's always going to have a place in my heart. I know it's weird that I'm willing to give out and up so much for someone who probably doesn't think of me anymore, but I guess that's love. Love is voluntarily giving someone your everything and not expecting to get anything back. Love is seeing someone happy and feeling happy for them even if their happiness doesn't involve you. So from afar, I'll be here waiting for him and watching him enjoy his life the way he should always enjoy it.

Right here waiting..

Last night I presented my installation project with my team mates at the GSU fountain. We made 100 origami boats and placed tealight candles in them. They were spiraling in the fountain and it was such a magical, serene view. I would love to do it again and actually get to make a wish instead of having to stand in the freezing water to put the boats in. When I got home last night, I missed him so much. My mind wouldn't clear off and he was all I could think of. In fact, he's all I can think of right now too. Sometimes I want to pick my phone up and text/call him but I know he wouldn't reply or pick up because he's back to invisibility. In my head, I keep seeing flashbacks from when we first met and whatever else went on with us. I feel so hopeless and helpless. I feel like no matter what I do things aren't going to ever change. I can't imagine how much more I'd have to go through to get over this.  I don't want to forget him or the beautiful memories we have created despite all the pain in between. I just want him. I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship but all I'm asking is to be like before. I feel so distant from him. He's slowly pushing me out of his life. I remember the days when we'd talk until late, when he'd text me good morning, when he'd tell me jokes, and when were happy together. It's so sad to remember all of these things and realize that we are not like that anymore. We're nothing like that and I don't think we'll ever be who we were when we were together again. I want to be strong but i feel like I'm getting closer and closer to rock bottom. I have no appetite, no joy or anything anymore. I just want to stay home and mope around. I feel sick. Sick to my guts. All I know is if he ever changes his mind, I'll be right here waiting..='(

Such a lonely night..

I miss him so much. All I have been thinking about is him. All day, everyday. I wonder f he ever thinks of me or if I cross his mind out of the blue like he does to me. I honestly wish things were different. I would do anything just to hear his voice or get a text from him. What happened to us is still a mystery to me. I never wanted us to be like this. I never knew I'd fall this hard for him. When he first approached me, it didn't even cross my mind that I'd fall for him. Where ever he is and what ever he's doing, I hope he's happy. Happy with his life and his choices. I want to be there for him every step of the way. I am such a hopeless romantic. I know we'll never turn out to be what I imagined but I still want to keep my imaginations and hopes up. Unrequited love is tough. I feel so lonely tonight. Lonely in a "missing someone" way not lonely as in "I need someone here" kind of way. I wish I could read his thoughts. I want to know if he still feels for me like before or has he moved on. It gets tough when I'm constantly thinking about him and constantly thinking about how he doesn't want me. At the same time, I understand where he's coming from but it's just that we've created too much feelings and too many memories to erase, change or regret. Out of everything we've done, I don't regret anything. I know my mind was clear when I made my choices. Maybe one day he'll notice me and admit his true feelings. For right now, it's neglection, ignoring, and carelessness. If only he was here for me to express my true thoughts to. I miss him a lot more than I should but not enough according to my heart and mind...

Missing him..

Yesterday after he hung on the line with me, I texted him. He texted me back even though he was driving and we were just going back and forth. I missed talking and texting him like how we did before. I miss him so much. I miss all the fun, the jokes, the carelessness. Now everything seems so tense and serious. It's not what I want at all. I know he doesn't love me but a part of me tells me that he does have feelings for me though. Well "still" does. I know he still has feelings for me. I usually would've moved on by now but I can't with him. Everytime I'm about to let go slowly, he reaches out for me and I fall all over again. I feel like I'm stuck at square one and though my mind tells me to move, my legs won't let me. I know it's hopeless love but it's unrequited. I don't ask for his love in return. I just want to know that he's happy and I just want him to know that I'll always be here for him. Love is so powerful that it has open my eyes to things I've never known before. Love isn't about receiving but it's about giving unconditionally and willingly. I'm willing to give him my heart even though I know he's not giving me his. I don't want to give up on him. I know he still cares for me or he wouldn't talk to me still. It's been months since we actually saw each other but I'm  just glad that he's safe where ever he is. I know it's silly of me to think that way but I have such strong feelings for him and I don't even know why. What is it about him that makes me so attracted to him? It's 1 AM already, yet I'm still trying to sort out my thoughts. Sleep has been my worst enemy lately. I miss him so much and he's always on my mind. I've been smiling at the thought of his texts. I really wish we could transition out of this depressing stage. I don't want him to push his feelings away. I want to know how he feels for me but I don't want to know if that means pushing him away. I wish he was here right now so I could tell him how I really feel and how much I've missed him even though I probably barely cross his mind. I miss holding his hands, feeling his touch, kissing his lips, looking into his eyes, seeing him smile, sleeping in his arms, laying on his chest, hugging him close, and every thought that has to do with him. I miss him most out of everything. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up the next do just to find out that I was dreaming, nothing changed between us. I want us to talk like before and not be so distant like right now. It kills me to think of him but at the same time it's like a bitter sweet feeling. Time to head to bed. Hopefully I can dream of him since I can't physically have him here. No matter what happens between us, I'll always be missing him...

A bit happier today..

So he called me back a bit ago. I'm so happy to even hear his voice. He haven't replied to my messages in a couple days already. I miss talking to him and I miss listening to his voice. I feel like I fall for him all over again when I hear his voice or when he texts me back. I feel like I have hope and we aren't complete strangers like before. I know it's tough holding on to something that might not happen as you plan but I rather have that than to let go of everything you have hoped for. I miss him so much. I keep thinking about him. Sometimes it gets hard to stop..=)

Hopeless romance...

He has been replying to my texts lately. He's in town because his sister-in-law is in the hospital, his nephew is sick, and his sister is sick. So he told me he had to take his mom to Atlanta to help out. I'm happy to even get to hear from him so I don't want to be mad about him not replying sometimes. I wonder though. Does he think of me? Does he see my texts and calls or does he just ignore them because he doesn't feel for me? I feel like a hopeless romantic. I feel like I will never have a chance to be with him or have him as mine. He doesn't want me. He doesn't love me. What kills me is that I'm just another person to him when he isn't just another guy to me. I feel so lost. I miss him like crazy. I've been really down lately. To know that he's hear but I can't see or talk to him. I wish I could drop by to see him and check on his family to see if everyone's ok but I can't. I'm not his girlfriend. He doesn't want me around anyways. I wish things could be different and turn out right for us. I have this gut feeling that we will be together one day. I still feel for him the way I did when we first met. When he texts me I still get the butterflies. Sometimes when it's quiet I think of the past from when we first met to all of the scenes of just us two together. It makes me cry everytime to know that something beautiful has ended so tragically. Hearing and feeling you heart break is like feeling the butterflies have all died in your stomach when they were happy and fluttery before. I need a break from all this torture now. Sometimes I wonder how much endurance can I tolerate because this is so much to take in all at once...='(

Hope..

I accidentally called him today right after I got out of class. He didn't pick up and I didn't realize I called him until I looked at my phone. He texted me at 10 something and said, "Hey sorry I was driving to Atlanta." I texted him back and said hey and asked what he was doing. All he said back was "lol bout to go to sleep". Then I asked him is what he was in town for but still didn't get a reply yet. I miss him so much. I'm afraid that if I run into him I'd crumble into pieces. I don't know how to handle myself if I run into him or if he wants to hang out with me again. I know he only wants to be friends with me and I know we have a distance between us because of where we live, but I don't want to be just a friend to him. I'm not asking him to make me his girlfriend, I just want him to see me as someone to him rather than an ordinary friend. It's hard to try to be friends with a person you have such strong feelings for. I wish things didn't turn out this way. I wish he'd stop seeing me as just a friend or another person to mess around with. I know he has feelings for me. It's a hunch I'm getting and it's got to be true. The thought of him being here in Atlanta makes me so happy but yet very sad. What if I won't get to see him but then what if I do? I don't know if I'm ready for this sudden appearance. I'm scared. I can feel my heart aching again. I want to see him though. I want to hold him, kiss him, tell him I miss him, tell him not to treat me this way, tell him I love him even though he'd never love me back, and tell him not to neglect me anymore because the pain is so excruciating I can barely survive it. I feel like there's little hope for us but then again I am not the judge of that. I wonder if he'll ever love me...

Tears..

I feel so out of place. Out of order and out of everything. I always put up a good show for people to see how happy I am or at least that I'm okay but I'm not. Inside I'm breaking down slowly and painful. My heart is shattering and everytime he comes around it gets worse. I get worse. I miss him terribly tonight and I feel like I will never be able to get our memories out of my mind. I don't know what to do or how to make myself feel better. Each day it gets worse. I know I should be stronger but I can't. I honestly don't have the strength to fight back my feelings. I wish he knew how much he means to me and how much he's hurting me. I've noticed that I've cried everyday. Tears are so easy to shed but why are they so difficult to stop..='(

Sighs..

I know I shouldn't think about him or miss him but I do. Everytime I want to call him or text him I hold myself back. I almost do many times but I know I shouldn't. I don't know how to move on. I guess I just can't yet. My mind and heart is still stuck on him when he doesn't even care about me. I'm just another person to him. Everytime I remind myself that I'm just another to him, tears won't stop running. I don't know how to stop it and at the same time I want to cry it all out. I don't understand why I am so drawn to him like no other before. I think it might be because I trusted in him and we are so alike in many ways. Will he ever meet another like me though? Someone who shares that much in common with him. Sometimes I'd think back from the beginning. We talked in the beginning and we saw each other. Every moment was so beautiful and happy. Even when we were in New York, it was an amazing period of time in my life. I was with him for a whole week. I slept by him for a week. He held my hands and kissed me everyday. It hurts to know what you once had and felt has become memories of times you'll never get back or recreate. I miss him so much. I can't stop thinking of him. When I think of him, it hurts. It hurts to know he cared once before and not anymore. It hurts to have to feel this pain everyday. He said before that he didn't mean to lead me on but he wasn't leading me on because I know he felt it to. He and I had a thing for each other and I know it, I felt it. Things have changed so much within 3 months period. I feel so depress and I can't stop crying. What's become of me? I don't know who I am anymore..I don't know who I was..I just want to hear from him. I just want him. I want him to be here for me like I am for him. I want him...='(

Confused..

So yesterday morning I received a text message from him. It was so random and sudden, I burst in tears when I found out it was a text from him. I thought maybe things will slowly die off with time since he's completely not communicating with me. He only texted me basic conversation texts like "hey" and "what's going on" but it was enough to get me thinking. I'm so confused. How can he just keep disappearing and reappearing in my life every now and then? Doesn't he know it hurts me everytime? I love him though. Maybe that's the reason why I keep falling for him over and over again even when it seems like I'm walking in a trap. I always wondered if he thought about me and now I know. It's such a great feeling to know that he still cares. I am happy to even hear from him than to have him neglect me forever. I really hope things work out for us because I don't understand why he keeps pushing me away when his feelings for me obviously haven't been lost. I miss him so much. I honestly do wish things will work out the way it should have between us. We've done too many things and have created way too many memories to erase. The thing is I don't want to erase any memories of him. I don't want to erase him. I'm so confused on what to feel like. I want him to want me back. I want him to truly speak his mind for once and to pick up the phone and call me. I want him to tell me why he doesn't want me and why he doesn't think it'll work. I want him. I hate it when tears keep streaming down endlessly. I can't stop it and after a bit, I don't want to...='(

Misery..

It's been a few days since I've posted. I've been running fevers of 100.7 for the past two days. Sick to my guts. My god grandma is here visiting from Florida. I haven't seen her since my sister's wedding two years ago. She's been accupuncturing and trying to stabilize everyone's health in my family. I've still been thinking about how a bit lately. Not as much as before because I've been occupied with things but every now and then when I'm not doing anything, he comes to mind. He haven't called or text back in a bit. I guess I'm just not that important to be heard. I don't know why I can't let go. Is it because we're linked in some ways or is it because I haven't gotten real answers from him? Why can't we be together when we are so alike in many different areas and when we both have feelings for each other? Sometimes I get tired of asking myself questions that I will never find answers to because it's not my questions to answer. I miss him. I wonder does he still think about me. I wonder if he still feels the same about me like he once did before. I wonder if he feels my pain, my love, and my effort. My left eye is twitching really bad. Is something about to happen? I wish I could go back in time to fix whatever went wrong and make it right. The only thing is nothing went wrong. He just doesn't want to be with me. He only wanted to talk to me until I fell for him and when I did he left me. I don't know why I'm still talking about him, thinking about him or even still feel for him. I'm such a fool for him when he doesn't even want me. I wish everything was a dream and I'd wake up in the middle of the night to realize it's all unreal. I wish that we were like before and not how we are now. I wish he'd call me to tell me he still likes me, he still wants to talk to me, and that he still wants to be with me...='(

A cold, sad night..

It's freezing outside tonight but the moon is very round and lovely. I think I'm getting sick though because I woke up with a sore throat and a huge headache. I tried calling him about 15 minutes ago but he didn't pick up so I texted him. I said I wanted to tell him something but he's still neglecting me for no reason so why don't he call me back when he's ready. It pains me to see where we've landed with all this. We went from friends who barely communicate, to friends who started to talk again, to texters, to hang out/daters, to dating couples, to distant friends, and now we're here at square one, strangers again. He's telling me he wants to be nothing more than just a friend with me but he's not even trying to be my friend. All I wanted to tell him is that I respect his decisions because love can't be force upon another or happiness will never happen for us. I wanted to tell him that I don't hate him or think of him in any bad way like how he think I do. I know it's weird that I don't think of him as an asshole or such but I just don't. He's not wrong for not wanting to be with me and I'm not wrong for wanting to be with him. There is no right or wrong in all of this but I just wish he'd tell it to me directly instead of ignoring me to get away from the problem. I'm human as well and I do have feelings. I hate how he treats me like I've done something wrong when all I've done is try to reach out to him. He should have never started anything he was too afraid to finish. He makes me feel like a fool that's fallen head over heels for him. What hurts more is when he saw me fall he never caught me. Now that I've hit the ground, I'm the only one who can help myself up. I wish he never talked to me on FB that one day. I wished he never texted me and that I never gave him my number. I wish he never booked his ticket to go to NYC with me. I wish he never held my hands, kiss my hand, and kiss me that first night. I wish I never got blazed with him the night before NY. I wish we never did anything in NY like go on dates, hold hands, kiss, call each other babe, and make love. I wish he never brought me over to his brother's house to meet everyone. Why treat me as if I'm someone to him and then the next second make me look like a fool imagining that I am. He lead me on to the point where I can't erase him out of my life and then he goes and erase me out of his. It hurts. It hurts with a passion and I can't describe the achy feeling in my heart. Why did he have to lead me on? He said his guilt was eating him up from the inside but his words, touch, and all memories of him is constantly stabbing my heart. I don't understand. What makes him so different from other guys I've dated before? Why can't I let him go when he's hurting me? It's so cruel to love someone and to know that they don't, won't, and never will love you nor do they want to. I feel even sicker now. TIme to cry my eyes out, take meds, and sleep. I have nobody left to express things to because I don't want anyone to feel what I feel because this pain will never go away it seems...

Insomniac with a broken heart..

I can't sleep. I finally went to Walgreen's earlier to get a EPT. Good news..I was tested negative. Bad news, I went to the park where we first met and went to the swings where we first sat and cried my eyes out. The wind was blowing really hard earlier and the moon is rounder than anything. A full moon with gusty wind night and I'm all alone. I cried thinking about us and how things were when we first met. I cried at how things are now that we've changed so much within three months. I couldn't stop crying and now I can't sleep. I had two wine coolers and I'm just so depress. I feel like crying again and there's not much I can do to take this feeling out of my head. I miss him. It didn't have to be like this. This is what he wants and I can't change anything...

Unwanted tears..

I don't understand why he still crosses my mind all the time when I know he doesn't want me. Lately, I've been freaking out about being pregnant because it's been 8 weeks and I feel really bloated. I really hope I'm not pregnant because the last thing I need aside from all this pain is a baby. I love babies and children but I'm not ready to have one until I graduate, get a job, and get married. I want to be sure that the father of the baby will be there for me and love me. He doesn't love me. In fact, he doesn't want me so I'm scared to have a baby by myself. My parents would be so disappointed in me and they would be furious. I don't have the ability to raise a child, I'm broke. I can't even go anywhere because I'm so broke right now. I  don't know why I keep thinking about him and tears will just stream nonstop. I'm tired of crying I don't want to cry. Thinking about how everything is now only a memory makes me so sad. I have to respect his decisions. I don't hate him or think of him as an asshole or anything. I just want to at least get to hear his voice or see his texts every now and then. I want to still be a friend of his and be there for him even if it kills me. Nothing could hurt more than him ignoring me, neglecting me, and not wanting to talk to me at all.. I miss him so much...='(

I can hear my heart shattering..

He finally texted me back 2 hours ago. I feel like I've just lost everything within me.
This is his reply:
     Hey Jamie I'm sorry I've been neglecting you and hurted u but idk how to tell u how I feel like we should just be friends nothing more. I didn't mean to lead u on before and my guilt was eating me up from the inside. U might not see me as the same person but its ok. I just want us to come to an understanding.
My reply:
     ..it doesn't matter what kind of person I see you as cuz I'm just another person to you neways...thanks for clarifying with me...

What else was I suppose to say? That I love him and I can't let go but I don't want to force anything between us? I can hear my heart shattering into pieces like a glass that has been smashed hard. I don't know what more to say or do. I'm so lost. So everything that happened between us can be let go easily by him. For me, I'm seeing it in my head everyday and it's starting to become my worst nightmare. I wish we never met. I wish nothing ever happened. I wish NY never happened. I trusted him wholely with no questions asked. He trusted me. I never intended to be in a relationship. I never wanted to hurt. Pain was avoidable but yet I'm here suffering. I know he's getting eaten up by his guilt. I know it. He felt something for me like I did him. The only difference is I didn't let fear get to my heart. I'd rather have nothing to start off with than to have something and lose it all at once. How could he be so cruel to my heart? He knew I was scared to be hurt. He tried to stay away but somehow fate brought us together. It's unfair how now it's bringing us apart. I'm speechless about us. I'm the only one feeling this pain and he's free from all his worries and pain because he just said what he needed. I wish life had a forward button so I can press it as hard as I can and skip all this pain and move on. How can I trust another person when all everyone want to do is hurt me? I'm sick of believing, falling in love, and getting hurt by these guys. I don't want this. I don't want any of it. I wish my heart dies off with this guy so no other can invade and break it again once it heals. I can't handle this right now. I'm having an emotional breakdown..I believed in him. I believed that we could've been. I believed...Why bring us together if we'll just end up walking different paths?...='(

Impossible..

Everyday is getting more and more impossible for me. It's been so hard to sleep, eat or even think right. I feel tired of everything but there's not a thing I can do about it. I miss him more than anything right about now. I wish that for the past few weeks I've only been dreaming and none of this pain or hurt is part of reality. I wish that he'd call me to tell me he's sorry and that none of this ever happened. I wish he'd just call me and stop stabbing me in the heart. I can almost hear the sound of my heart shatter. I can almost see the blood dripping from my heart. Everything feels so dreamlike yet it's all reality and I'm trying to convince myself to forget it. I wish he was here by my side to stop all this hurt. I feel like I'm in a world full of possibilities and he's my only impossible thing to reach for. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me. I wonder if you know how much you hurt me. I wonder if you know how much I've fallen for you. I wonder if you even cared. I feel like no matter how hard I try, things will only be more impossible. How do I stop crying when I know you don't care about me even through all the memories we've shared? All I can do is cry and even when I stop, I'll just end up crying again a second later..=(

Lovely night but lonely soul..

Tonight the weather is absolutely perfect. It's not too cold outside tonight like it was other nights. The moon is shining bright and the star are scattered all over the place.The night sky is so beautiful tonight and I couldn't help but to stop just to look up. For a moment time paused for me. I felt like I was getting suck into the universe but when I came back to reality I realized that I'm so lonely. All of this only makes me miss him more. I wish he could be here to look at the beautiful scenery with me. I almost called him and texted him today but I know he doesn't care anymore so what's the point? Sometimes, I wonder if he thinks about me..I know I should let go of the feelings I have for him  but  I honestly can't. I feel like there's a force pushing me towards him and I can't draw myself back from it. I wish I could have a couple drinks right now just to forget everything for just a moment. All I see is flashbacks of what used to be between us. WIth each memory follows a teardrop. I miss him more than I thought I would. I love him more than I should. I can't let go of him when I know I have to in order to move forward. I know it seems like I'm putting all the pain on myself by not letting go but I just feel like this shouldn't end this way. I want him to tell me himself that he's lost all feelings for me, that he never cared about me, that he only wanted to sleep with me for fun, that he hated talking to me, that kisses, hand holding, dinner dates, the NY trip, and everything else we did meant absolutely nothing. I want him to be able to shut my feelings down if that's what he's trying to do right now. I can't put out this passion until he tells me himself. I want him to say it and not my conscious. I want him to show me I was wrong, blinded, stupid, and naive for believing he cared or actually had something for me..For now, everything is in intense pain because a part of me still believes in him and that he still feels it for me. The other half believes that everything was just a big fat lie and I fell hard to the point where I became the joke. I don't understand how he could treat me this way.. I can't hold back from my tears and my memories have been replaying itself in my head like a song put on repeat...='(

Letting go is hard..

I can't take him off my mind or let go of this pain in my heart. I miss him so much. How can he enter my life with such noise and exit with discrete silence? It's so hard to let go of something you actually care for. I know to him I'm not important and to him I'm just another girl. To me, he's not just another guy though. He's the only person I know with this many similarities with me. I thought for a moment I found my soul mate but I guess I was fooled. My heart is in so much pain right now. I;m so heartbroken over a guy who doesn't even love me or seem to even care about me. I don't know how many more tears I'm going let fall from my eyes but right now there's no stopping it. What did I do for him to treat me this way? They say never fall in love young because it'll just bring heart aches and problems. I'm 21 and this still applies to me. Each day without him gets worse but he'll never know. He's broken me in ways I could never imagine. I feel so hopeless and helpless. It's so painful when I close my eyes because flashback starting from day 1 of us together runs through my head like a movie. It's sad when it's so passionate and intimate at first and now all I feel is blue and grey. Everything has slipped out of our grasp. It's like you never know what to expect anymore. I thought things were going great with us but now I know I was always in this alone. I won't forget or regret a moment with but I will remember with all my heart of what was once there...

wounded everywhere..

It's been three weeks since I've heard from him. I guess it really is over between us. What did we have between us though? I feel like my heart's been ripped into million of pieces when I just recently fixed it. I don't understand him. I thought I knew him a bit more than this but I guess I'm wrong. He's right about me staying away from him. I played with fire and this time the burn has left me scars I can't remove. I'm not sure if it will ever heal to perfection but for right now it hurts more than I can imagine. I rather hear from him about how he's not feeling it anymore or he just doesn't want to talk to me like that anymore instead of leaving without a single goodbye or word. I know he ignores my text and calls or probably not ignore but neglect it. I bet he reads and check everything but just doesn't care for it like he once did. It's sad when you become strangers with someone you were once close to. It's sad that I used to mean something to him and now I'm just a small section of his past. Why do I have to care so much for this guy? If fate wanted us to meet then why do we have to walk different paths already. I'm so tired of falling in love with all these people when no one truly loves me the way I need them to. I'm so afraid to fall for anyone else. I don't want my heart to heal. I want it as broken as it can be so that I can never fall in love with another and they will never have the chance to break it. I don't want to have anyone enter my life, make me happy, lead me on, sleep with me, tell me they don't want me, talk to me like they care, and then leave without a goodbye. It all hurts with an uncomfortable passion. I want it to end but maybe this pain will help me learn my lesson. I'm so tired of crying over and over again..='( I never want to feel this again. How many times does my heart have to break for me to find someone who actually knows how to hold and cherish it? Sometimes I wish I was heartless so I don't have to feel.
          I've been crying myself to sleep every night. I don't want to cry. I've been avoiding all the pain he's given me but when it hits me..it hits me hard. I don't know how much more I can handle. I'm running out of tears..

More depression..

I know parents can be annoying, irritating, and etc. but they will always be your parents and they will always love you no matter how much you messed up. I hate the fact that my little sister find it "inconvenient" to take my dad to the store to and take him home then head to the mall. I don't care how long it takes or how gay it is, it's your dad. My dad has stage 4 lung cancer and we don't know how long he has left to live so why treat him that way? Why take him for granted because when we we're younger he'd always have to take us to school in the morning then back home and head to work. Sometimes he'd have to close his shop to pick us up from school then drop us home and head back to work. Why didn't we complain then? It hurts me so much to even think about it. Tomorrow is his birthday why can't everyone give him a break? Why can't people give ME a break? I'm so depressed with all this crap thats going on in my life. What hurts more is my mom is always one-sided. She always back my sister up no matter what. My sister is home all the time and she doesn't do shit. Leave the overly filled trash can there when she sees it, leave the dishes in the sink even when it's full, never vacuum the house. I'm sick of this bullshit. I'm sick of my parents not saying anything to her but when I come home it's all my fault. I'm always to blame. Why should I even stay here if it wasn't for my dad? Life is so unfair. My dad doesn't deserve to live the rest of his life like this. My mom will never understand me. She always think she does but she doesn't at all. In fact, I hate talking to her nowadays. She always think she's right about everything when she's not. She always try to make it sound like I'm disrespectful or something. When I go to school or do my homework/studying until late she always act like I'm going out to play or something. Nobody even knows how I feel. Nobody even cares.
        I'm going to spend the night over at my sister's tonight. Why sleep at home to this empty shell we call a house. First it's love issue and now family problems. I'm fed up. I'm tired.

Depression..

I haven't heard from him in over two weeks..I feel so miserable. All I've been thinking about is him. What's worse is I've been dreaming of him every night. What's happening? What happened? How can things go good for a moment and now everything is completely over. I honestly don't know what I've done wrong to deserve this hurt. I only wanted to hear his voice or get a reply from him. I guess that was just too much to ask. I called him yesterday and he picked up and hung up. I don't know if it was intentional or not but I called back again so he knows I tried to contact him and ignored it. That pains me more than anything. Why begin anything with me if he's not ready for anything at all? I'm so sick of love and all the pain it brings. I'm so twisted inside. I want to hear from him and I want to be with him but I can't and he doesn't want me. I keep having to put up a show for everyone to see how happy I am but deep down inside I'm dying or so my heart is. I'm so depress. The fact that I'm an insomniac doesn't help either. I feel like my depression is intensifying everyday.. How can he be so heartless towards me? What did I do to make him hate me to the point where he has to ignore me completely? I rather him tell me straight up that all feelings are lost than to ignore me and torture my heart. Why let me meet someone and fall for them and then make us walk different paths?
      I don't know what's worse..the fact that he's ignoring me or the fact that I still miss him even after all this pain? I'm losing myself slowly. Why break my heart when I have no more space left for pain? I'm trying so hard to hold on to my sanity but it's so hard when reality is smacking me in the face left and right. I have no one to talk to about all of this. I choose not to tell anyone because truth is I don't want to drag anyone down with me. I know this is all my fault. I'm stupid. I was a fool. I let love get to me. I let him get to me. I let pain get to me. I'm always the strong one to everyone but even the strongest has their weak sides. I am only human. I have feelings and I get my heart broken too.
      I don't know what' wrong with me anymore. I feel like I'm underwater. I'm struggling to breathe but I feel like I've already been pulled down to deep to get back up. I miss him so much. Why is it so hard for me to move on? What is up with this guy? What makes him any different from everyone else? What do the people up there want from me and where do they want this relationship to go? All I feel is pain. I want to be numb but I guess I just haven't reached that point yet..I'm just making a fool of myself now. If he cared he wouldn't have been out for over two weeks..='(

The end has come..

So I've been really out of it lately. I feel like everything is falling out of place, piece by piece. I deactivated my facebook for two days now because I know I'll keep looking to see if he's been on. I feel like I'm an annoying person of some sort. He hasn't text me back or call me in over a week. I'm just so depressed. I don't know what to feel or what to say because right now everything is intensified. I feel five times the pain everyday. I've been crying my eyes out every night. I've been extremely tired but what's the worst part is that I have insomnia too. Insomnia while being heartbroken and stressed out is like getting trap in a nightmare you can't wake up from.. I really wish he knows what he's doing to me and I wish he'd stop doing it. I wish he'd call me or at least text me back. I hate how the beginning of something new is so beautiful and happy but you just never know what to expect next. Just like for us. It went from happy to this..I just want to cry it all out and move on but it's so different with him than others. I can't move on. I don't know how. I feel overly attached to him and I don't even know why..Is like what the horoscope thing was talking about? Are we a matching pair? I just want to go away. I just want to cry my eyes out and forget myself and everything about him..

Hellos are easy but goodbyes are hard..

Sometimes life gets so twisted but there's not much we can do but to wait for it to untangle itself. The hardest part in life to me is saying goodbye. Hellos are easy to do because that's the start of everything. Goodbyes are used only towards the ending so it's a bit more difficult. It really sucks when you sit back and reminisce about all the stages of relationships you've been through with someone whether it's family, friends, lovers, or even strangers. It all starts out with meeting. Meeting a person is the first step to every relationship. The second step later determines who they will be to you after getting to know them. That is if you decide to get to know them of course. The rest of the steps are based on each person and heir relationship status with others. The worst step to head towards is when it's time to say goodbye. Goodbyes could be short term as in temporarily or long term as in forever. 

            I have a co-worker who's dad is about to pass away and her family is in preparation mode for his departure. What's sad is he's been immobilized for 11 years and could only move his eyes. He's always been there to hear, feel, and see everything but not able to do the things he sees or hears. I know it's really hard to say goodbye to someone who has always been in your life ever since you were a baby. Also, when that person is your father. I don't know what to say to hear or how to make her feel better. All I know is that they should try to take it as light as they could because it may be his greatest escape from this twisted world. It's such a twist how some people who are blind or deaf can still move around but those who are immobilized can see and hear but cannot move. Suffrage has done it's course through these people's lives. What a world we live in and what a life we live.

            I took my dad out and about today to make him feel better instead of being locked up in the house all the time. I honestly hope he lives on because I am far from ready to say goodbye to him. My dad has lived a hard labored life. He's nothing but strong and motivated. He's gone from supporting all of his siblings back in Vietnam when his dad passed away to moving to America to work hard to support his wife and kids and now he's in a cancer battle fighting to live this life on. For a small person my dad has a big heart. I appreciate everything he's done to make sure mine and my siblings life are in good condition. I know at times we take our parents for granted but those were the days when we were young and foolish. Nowadays, I'd rather die than to hurt my parents.Other than saying goodbye to family members, there are friends or worse..your special someone.

            I haven't heard back from him ever since that last "goodbye" text I sent him yesterday. I guess it really is over..:(. I feel so out of it. I feel like a person with a body but no soul. I really wish things were like how they were in the beginning or when we were in NYC. I don't understand why he's the way he is and what I've done to deserve this "treatment" from him. All I wanted was to meet someone, get to know them more, fall in love, and live every moment like there's no tomorrow with them. This was not what I expected. It's far from my thoughts and dreams. I wish he'd consider my feelings more instead of  just his own. I know this is what I get for falling in love with someone who doesn't love me. It's killing me inside but I can't complain because I shouldn't have played with fire when I knew I could've hurt myself any day. I just rather not go through the pain at all. I'm not ready to say goodbye to him though. Why does he have to force me to go on this road. If only I could rewind time...

             

Goodbye..

One of the hardest things to do in life is to say goodbye. Saying goodbye to people you love and care for is the worst. I've been trying to call and text him since Tuesday but there hasn't been any replies. So today I worked up some nerves and spoke my mind. He's hurt me more than he could possibly imagine.  So I texted him saying that he should've just told me that he didn't want to talk or text me anymore instead of making me feel like I'm getting neglected or feel like I'm bothering him. I don't know if he's too busy or he just lost feelings for me but I can feel the cold vibe and I'm just going to stop bothering him. I told him I don't know how he does it but it's so hard for me to push my feelings for him away. Then I said goodbye to him. I honestly don't want to feel this way. I hate it with everything I've got to hate. If he didn't want any sparks then he shouldn't have talk to me or kiss me or anything. Everything he's done has lead me on push me to the edge and now that I'm head over heels, he's neglecting me. I don't understand how someone can do that to another person when they know it's wrong. What have I done to hurt him? Why does he have to hurt me? So many questions that I'll never get the answers to. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to make all the wrongs right but there's no point in that if he doesn't even want to try. Oh yea, that's right! He doesn't want to try... I'm miserable and I feel every aching pain to the heart. I know he feels it too. He has something for me or at least did have something for me..What happened? What went wrong? I don't get the point of letting to people meet, like/love, then separate them. That's just so cruel and painful. I rather not start at all than to start and be hurt. I wish it's all a nightmare. I know it's not though. I'm burying myself in dreams when reality is right in front of me smacking me in the face with the truth. He's over me..When will it be my turn to get over him? Getting to know/meet someone is always easier than letting go/saying bye to them. It hurts too much. I'm at the point where I'm helpless, hopeless, and speechless. Nothing left to do or say. Tears are my only resolutions..='(

What an emotional rollercoaster..

So right after yesterday's post, I texted him and asked what he's doing. He actually replied to me a couple of hours later. At least he replied though. We started texting each other after that. This morning I texted him and he texted back to me then stopped replying.. Then this afternoon he replied back and asked me how does someone know if they have tape worm. He actually thinks that he has tape worm. Well he still haven't replied back to me yet since the last text. I'm feeling a bit better now that I know he's not neglecting me but he's just been busy. I've missed him. Actually, I miss him. I wonder what he's doing and if he misses me too. He used to tell me how he likes talking to me. I wonder if he still does. I know we've been up and down like an emotional rollercoaster but I just can't shake off my feelings for him. From the look of it, I doubt he can either. I know he feels it too. What happened between us are memories that I cherish and they can't be erased or replaced. I really wish he'd make up his mind and stop being so indecisive about what he wants. I know one thing for sure, I'm not giving up without putting up a fight. He started this whole thing so he has to stick with it. I looked up our birth years in this Vietnamese horoscope book. It says that my love life this year will get better and that work and school is good for me this year. I looked up his and it says he's going to make good money but won't be able to keep it all. Also that everything is good except his love life. His love life section says that he's going to have some problems and he'll be a bit confused about his love life. Weird thing is that both of our horoscope readings say that we both have a lot of paths to take in life and that we match each other. WOW! I wasn't kidding when I said we share a lot in common. I really hope everything turns out good for us. He has to open up to me more for this to work. Please let it work for us. I really want to be with him.

I waited for his text reply but he didn't reply back to me until the 25th. I asked him why was he neglecting me and he replied saying that it's nothing on me and that he's just too busy, sorry. That was the last I heard from him. The other day, the 28th I think, I texted him and said, "I don't know why I still text you when you're obviously too busy to reply and I don't know why I feel so much for you when you don't even care." I also threw in that maybe he's right, I am silly. I haven't heard from him in days or has it been a week or so? I've been trying to keep myself occupied with positive people and going out late until I got tired every night. I don't know what else to do or say to him. I don't want to seem desperate or sympathetic. I want him to care for me like how I care for him. I know he doesn't love me but if he likes me as much as he said he did, then why hurt me so much? I feel lost. I'm lost in thoughts and everything else. I don't think I can handle all of this. I know he's not that busy because he obviously gets on Facebook everyday.
           I should've known this day would come. There's always that one person you put so much care and feelings toward that will rip your heart open like it's a meaningless thing. I shouldn't have let him get to me but it's too late for that now. I'm in this deeper than I thought. I can put up a show for the world to see how happy and unstressed I am but deep down I can't lie to myself. I know I'm not one bit happy and I feel like I'm all over the place. I've become the mess I never wanted to clean. What am I to do now? How am I suppose to feel? I've been crying nights after nights but who is really there to wipe my eyes or lend me their shoulders? How could he be like this towards me? Why talk to me and get me to feel so much and just drop me? Am I just a toy or someone to play around with? I don't get it. I really don't. The fact that it gets worse everyday is tearing me up inside. I wish it's just a nightmare.
           The only problem is if it's a nightmare I can always wake up from it and things will be normal but it's reality. Reality is something you can never wake up from because the truth lies right in front of you. I feel so heartbroken and simply hurt. When will I heal? Will I ever? This is awful but I can't hold the tears from falling...='(

Pain is inevitable..

Today is the fifth day I haven't heard from him..:( I feel really sad. I've been singing the blues every night. How could someone just disappear out of your life so fast? I don't understand what I've done wrong for this to happen to me. Why give me the chance to know him and to fall in love with him and then take him out of my life? My friend told me that the more days he's gone the faster it'll be for me to move on but I don't feel that way. I feel like it's getting worse for me everyday that I don't hear for him. I've been crying a lot lately. I've been thinking about when we first started talking, the first time we met, New York's trip, and all the other times we've been together. If he could just let me know what is on his mind everything would be much better. Right now I feel so neglected by him and I don't even know why. Did he lose his phone again or something? If he did, the least he could do is facebook me about it. It hurts. It hurts to care and feel so much for someone who doesn't feel the same for you or care for you the same way. I knew this pain was coming but there's no escaping it. I can't let him go and I can't stop thinking about him or about us.
          In my heart, I truly believe he's not the type of person to just leave another hanging. I want to know what's really going on. I want to know so badly but I don't now how else to reach him. I just want to hear his voice and see him right now. I miss him so much. I know he doesn't want a relationship but I truly hope I can change his mind one day. I want to open up my heart to him and I hope one day he can open up his to me. I can't stop crying. I feel so sad. I just want to cry it all out. Cry myself to sleep so that I can dream of him. My dream is the only place I can reach him at right now..

I don't know..

I haven't talked to him in 4 days. The last text I had from him was when he texted me that he was faded. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel. I don't know why things are going down hill again. Did he lose his phone or what happened? Before, when he actually cared, he'd tell me on scramble at least but now it's like he disappeared. Why hurt me to this point? I can't understand why I have such a strong attraction towards this guy. He continues to hurt my feelings. I am stressed out about school, work, family, and yet again love. I don't know how much I can handle but I'm at the point where I want to give up on every aspect of life. When will people learn to give me a break? I've been crying every now and then. I knew this was coming. Still, I wasn't prepared. Each time this happens..it gets worse. The pain is intensifies to the max and I'm here speechless, helpless, and hopeless. When will my happy ending come along? For now it feels like never. I want to cry but I have so much work today for school I have to stay focus. I wish he'd make up his mind and stop playing with mine...=(

Getting better..

We started to text each other a bit like before but not as crazy as before. He was suppose to be here today because he was going to go see the falcons game with his brother but the plans were cancelled. I've been in a better mood ever since I heard from him. I cherish every time he text or calls me. Sometimes it's just a simple text or a quick phone call but as long as it's from him, I'll be happy. The other day I called him and he said he couldn't talk so I said, "Oh ok. Bye." Then he said sorry to me and I told him I just wanted to say "hi" that's all. We both ended up laughing. He's so cute. Yesterday I called him because he didn't reply to me for such a long time. He picked up and I asked him what he did all day. He told me he had allergies all day and that he was tired. I told him to go to sleep then if he's tired and he told me he wanted to talk for a bit. I felt so happy hearing him say that. I love talking to him. Hearing his voice makes me think of nothing but just him. Stress-free and care-free. Then when I let him go he said he'll text me in the morning and I asked him if he was going to or he was just saying it. So he ended up promising me. ;)
             He texted me this morning and that started my day out great! I miss him. He's watching the game with his boys right now so I don't want to bother him. So I just found out that my parents plan on moving to a different house in my sister's neighborhood. I was furious. I feel like I'm part of this family and the fact that I live in this house I should have the right to know beforehand. Plus, that location is far away from school and everything. If that's the case I'd rather stay in a damn dorm at the school because I'd probably stay at school all day instead of going all the way home and back. Home would be like 30-40 minutes from school. :( I don't want to move. I just wish my parents could break this house down and rebuild it. I like this location and I like living here. I grew up in this house and it's home to me. I hope we don't move. Things were just starting to fall into place but hearing this news really threw me off.

Finally, a turning point..

He finally called me at 4 in the morning yesterday. I was sleeping but somehow I woke up because I knew it was the song set as his ringtone. He couldn't sleep so he called me. We talked things out like how it should have been done in the first place. I asked him why did he get close to me and made me have strong feelings for him and then disappeared. He said he just didn't want to be in a relationship but he still wants to talk to me. He said he likes talking to me. He asked me why did I get close when he warned me from the start not to fall for him because he doesn't want a relationship. I told him because there is something about him I just can't describe. I have this strong feeling or attraction towards him that I've never had on anyone else. It keeps drawing me towards him even though I know playing with fire will only results in burns. It doesn't have to be that way though. He doesn't have to hurt me. I don't want a title or to force him into anything he doesn't want. I just want to be able to talk to him, to see him, and to be with him. I don't need him to make me his anything. 

            I asked him did he get the texts I sent him and he asked which ones. Then he said he got them all and they made him feel bad/guilty. I told him his last text to me was like a slap in my face and I was hurt by his neglection. I told him I cried my eyes out over him and he asked me why I would cry over a guy like him when its not worth it. I told him I don't know why myself. Usually when guys hurt me I try to move on and forget them and not let them hurt me. This time I can't seem to escape. To be honest, I'm in love with him. That's probably why it hurts a lot more than I thought it would. I wasn't even like this when I was dealing with my last break up. I told him and it took him by surprise a bit. What's going on? Why and how did I fall for him so hard without realizing it? Why is he all I can think of? I feel like fate's brought us together and I keep falling for him more and more even when he's neglecting me. He told me to text him in the morning before he went to sleep. :) I missed that. I know he misses me. He said he doesn't want anything intimate but the whole time that's all we had. He said I shouldn't have fallen for him and I said back to him that he saw and knew I was falling but he didn't push me away or stop me from falling. In fact, I think he couldn't resist himself from pushing me away because he feels it too. I know he has strong feelings for me too but he just won't admit it. If he doesn't then why call me back after texting all of that to me? 

             I texted him when I woke up and replied. We texted back and forth today. I wanted to talk to him on the phone but he had to study for the WFG exam so I let him be. He said plus he has to go to sleep early to go to the doctor later today. I wonder if he's sick. I wish he'd talk to me more so I can know if anything's wrong with him or what's on his mind. I miss him so much right now. I'm glad he called me back and we found a turning point. I didn't know how much more of devastation I could've taken before I broke down. I know we are talking again and that's a good thing but I'm scared to death of what may come. This is only going to make me fall even harder for him now that we're back on track. If he decides to exit my life next time, I'm not sure I can handle the pain that's to come. I really hope that we can make it through thick and thin. In my heart, I feel like he's the one. It's a hunch, kind of. I'm glad I didn't move on or let him go like everyone suggested. I knew deep down that he cares for me so I stood my ground. Sometimes wishes do come true. I'm glad mine did. :)

Neglection is so painful..

I couldn't help it and texted him yesterday asking him why he did all these things with me and got me to feel something for him and then just block me out completely..It hurts really bad because I feel so strong for him and was beginning to fall in love. I put in so much and now its over. I feel like I played with fire and just got a first degree burn. There's no other comparison I can think of but that. I tried to resist from texting him again last night but couldn't help myself. I texted him and called him twice. I wanted to know. I know it seems so desperate for me to make an approach like that but I feel so in depth with pain. I want him to answer me instead of neglecting me. If he has no feelings for me then why neglect me? Why would he be scared to hurt my feelings? I'm miserable right now. Super miserable. I don't feel like eating or doing anything. I don't want to go home because I'll just mop around and cry. I don't now what to do. Why did he make me become like this? Actually HOW? He's not even my boyfriend and I'm feeling like this already. Why does he have to push me away if he likes me? Why push away his own feelings? What happened? I know he still likes me so why neglect me to the point where I'm becoming soulless. I feel like a person without a heart or with a broken heart. I have no intention to laugh or play. I just want to cry. Everything I do or say or anything reminds me of him. How can he just cut me off like that? I thought I found my soul mate..but I guess not. We were so alike in so many different ways. Wasn't that why he wanted to talk to me instead of ten billion of other girls? That's what he said. I'm hurt..physically, emotionally, and mentally. It burns down to every part of me and all because of him. When will I ever heal? Will I ever heal? I don't want to move on or forget him. I just things to go back to normal. Maybe this is just a dream..a nightmare actually. I just want him to reply back and say that he still cares...='(

I'm broken into so many pieces...

So yesterday he finally spitted out what he had in mind. He told me that he didn't mean to neglect me but he didn't know what to say to me at the same time. He just don't want to be in a relationship or even DATE anyone right now. He told me not to take it personal..I feel all different shades of fucked up right now. Why begin something you can't finish and why finish up what you barely started? I don't know how to feel or what to do. I texted him back and said its ok and that it was my fault for getting myself in it and hurting myself. So nobody's to blame but me..Why won't people give my heart a break? I never asked to be in a relationship. This dating thing was working out fine so why does he have to kick me out in the end? I feel sick mentally, physically, and emotionally. I've been crying my eyes out. I fell for him a bit more than I should have. Why do stuff with me and then just mess around with my feelings? It hurts more and more everytime I think. I want to text him back and ask him "why" but I don't want to seem desperate and he was clearly smacking me in the face with the last text. What do I do? How should I feel? When will all of this clear up? Why do I feel so hurt even after all he's done to fuck me over? Is it because we had a physical contact or is it because I fell in love with him? I want to cry. I can't focus and everything feels worse every second. I want to break down but who will care? Nobody because in the end I'm back to being by myself...='(

Speechless..

I feel like crap. We didn't talk yesterday or the day before that? All I got was a "HEY"
text and that was it. I texted him and told him maybe he's just too busy so from now on I'll leave him alone. I told him to have a nice life. This isn't what I expected. How can he make me feel this down when we're not even together. He needs to make his mind up because I don't like this on/off game. If he's over me then he needs to let me know not play the disappearing game. Why do guys like to dip out on me like that? I'm confused and sad. It feels like we've taken 5 steps back when we barely took any forward..I'm speechless and hopeless. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day.

Falling more and more..

For Labor day weekend he came to Atlanta with his family to hang out. I was so excited to know that he was coming on Saturday night. I was thinking about hanging out with him that night but he came around 3 a.m. because he was stuck in traffic for an hour or so. I called a friend up to go to Sweet Hut to chill while I waited for him before that. He brought two friends with him and we sat there until 2 a.m. Then we decided to go eat at Pho 24 and ended up staying there talking and joking around until 5. I couldn't fall asleep until 6 and had to wake up at 9 to go to the temple the next day.

          I tried texting and calling him but he didn't reply so I decided to go to the mall and shop for a bit. Then my sister told me she was going to go get a massage so I joined her. Right when the girl was about to start on me he decided to call me. I told him where I was and asked him to come join. He said he was going to come and bring two more people along. So after the massage the guys wanted to go eat so I joined them and my sister went home. After eating, I went home and got Bento and he called me and told me to go to the festival at the church. So I rushed home to give my little sister her drink and went straight to the church. Parking was crazy. There was nowhere to park so I had to park far far away and walk to the church. When I got there we walked to where his family was and they decided to go back to his brother's house. I was so tired from walking there and I had to walk all the way back. A great amount of exercise. 

         I drove to his brother's house and there was only his uncle there with all the little kids. Later  a whole bunch of people came home. I was so nervous at first because I really like him and I don't want to make a bad impression on his family. They seemed very nice though. His nephew is so adorable! We played thirteen and then they started to karaoke. I met his mom and dad! I feel like we're a couple but then we're not. :( I don't know what we are exactly...friends? I met all of his primary family and his uncles, aunties, cousins, and co-workers. I felt like he was bringing me home as his girlfriend but at the same time it didn't feel like that. I know he didn't want his people to dislike or have a bad impression on me. He told me to greet his mom and I told him I already did. It was like he was scared she'd think I'm mannerless or rude. 

         It was midnight and he was getting sleepy so I was getting ready to leave. I told him I had to say bye to his parents first though. So he called for his mom and I told her I was leaving. I think she likes me..=) She said goodbye to me and told me to drive safely home. He walked me out and when I got inside my car, he stood at the door on my side. I hugged him tight. I told him I missed him so much and he hugged me back and said he missed me too. Then he kissed me. It's so funny because inside the house and when he took me outside the house we kept staring each other down like we wanted to go at each other. I wanted to kiss him so bad but I don't know if he did so I held back. When I got home I texted him and thanked him for inviting me over. I had lots of fun and told him his family is fun. We wished each other goodnight after that. 

         The next day I woke up and texted him a good morning text. He replied and told me he was eating Pho Dai Loi. Then he asked if I wanted to meet at Bento later. I told him it was closed on Mondays. So he told me to go to Cafe Khang. So I took a bit getting there because I couldn't decide on what to wear and I just got out of the shower we he told me to go out there. He started calling me and we started screaming on the phone. Nothing serious though. In fact, it was really funny because I hung up on him and he called back and asked why I did that. When I got there, him and his co-worker was drinking coffee and smoking. Later his little cousin came and joined us. Sometimes he leaves me there with his people and it is just mad awkward. He did that at his brother's house and his uncle made him come downstairs because he could sense my nervousness and awkwardness. =P When he came back he smoked again. I wish he'd stop smoking because I don't want him to end up like my dad. Anyways, he told me he booked his ticket to go to California next month. He asked me if I wanted to come but of course I can't because my sister is giving birth next month and I have to go to school! Then he said he don't really want to go but it's his friend's birthday and since they were from Cali, they wanted to go back to celebrate. I told him he was so lying when he said he didn't really want to go back because we had a convo about going to Cali together. =PAfter coffee, we waited forever for his family to finish grocery shopping. We walked around the market, outside of it, went to Viet Tofu, and just everywhere literally. There was a time when he joked around and accidentally called me a "bitch" and I pretended to be pissed off. I maintain a serious face and he totally bought it. I walked away from him and back to where his family was. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. He asked me if that was better. So sweet! I was like "nope"! He's so cute! His co-worker asked me am I going back to Savannah with them. I wanted to say yes so bad but I can't go because I have school! =(

          Then we went back to the market for the hundredth time. His co-worker's brother said something to him while we were in line to pay. He told him to take his "girlfriend" somewhere else private to say goodbye. He was referring to me as his girlfriend. We both looked at each other and laughed. I think he was embarrassed or shy. So cute! What was weird was he never corrected him. He didn't tell him that I'm not his girlfriend instead he blushed. =) After that I walked with him to his car because they were ready to head back to Savannah. He asked me where I parked and I told him near the center of the market. He asked me why I followed him if I parked all the way over there. I told him to say goodbye but I guess nevermind now. So I was like goodbye and pretended to walk towards my car. He was like calling for me to come back and that he was just playing. So I came back and sat in the car so he could pull up and pick up the rest of the people who was riding back home with him. While they were loading stuff in his trunk we said our goodbyes. I was expecting a kiss or a hug or a something but he just said bye and that he'd text me and call me when he gets back home. So I said ok and closed the door and started walking. When I got home I texted him and said I missed him already and called him a stranger with a no affection goodbye. xP

          I went home and later I started working on my 3D project. He called me and told me he was back at home now. Then I asked him if he received my text and he said he did. He was like "I smiled at you, isn't that enough affection?" haha! Hilarious! I was like that's not affection, that's being friendly. So he said that next time he'll pinch my cheeks because that's how he shows affection. >.< So I told him then I'll poke his dimples because that's how I show affection too. We talked for a bit and he told me he was going to call me back but he still haven't.

          He got high before he called me so I'm guessing he's already sleeping now. He better call or text me tomorrow though or it's going down! I love this feeling he makes me feel. I feel like I'm falling for him more and more everyday. I miss him like crazy all the time. I can't help myself though. He's constantly on my mind even when I'm at school or work. I think I'm about cross the "really really like" line and step right on the "love" line. I really hope he'll fall for me too because it'll suck being the only one in love. For now, I know he really really likes me. What happens if he still wants to just be friends even after everything? Oh my, that would be so bad..I have to keep my cool and wait for what's to come. It's getting late right now, time for sleep!

Everything is going on the right path..

Now that he has his phone back, we've been talking more. We don't text as much as we used to be we do talk on the phone more. I love this feeling he gives me. I love how he makes me smile by the simplest thing he does or say. I love how I get butterflies when I see his name on my phone when he calls. I love how he asks me about my day. I'm really falling now. I can feel it throughout my body. Every part of me is leaning towards him. He makes me laugh when I want to cry. He makes me happy when I'm feeling down. He's not a perfect guy but I'm not asking for perfection. I just want someone considerate, loving, understanding, and sweet. I just want someone who can love me for me and not for the way I look or for my physical assets. I know he's not the shallow type. I love how we think and act so alike. I feel like he's my missing half and I just found him.
         So he's been thinking about going back to school next semester. I told him he should and he should go to the same college as me so I can see him everyday. He's still thinking but for now he's prepping for next semester if he does decide to go back to school. I know he's feeling troubled at the moment because he don't know how to answer questions his parents have been probing him. They keep asking him about his future and what will he do? He was going to join National Guard but he doesn't want to anymore. I told him that he should do what he likes and not what his parents like. I mean I'm going to school not because my parents want me to but because I want to for them and their future. I want to be able to support them when they are old and jobless. I want to take care of them and not leave them in nursing homes like many people do to their elders. I know he feels the same way for his parents or he wouldn't have stayed around.
          Me and him think so alike sometimes and it's bizarre. Not in a bad way though. I can't stop thinking about him. He's constantly on my mind and every thought of him brings a smile to my face. Oh almost forgot to mention that I had to wake up early today (technically yesterday). I had to take my dad to get a blood infusion because he was low on blood and platelets. When they inserted the needle into his skin he flinched in pain. When I saw him in pain I nearly broke down but I know my parents don't want me to be weak or I feel I shouldn't be weak in front of them. On my way home from the infusion center I broke down in tears. I couldn't bare to see my dad in pain and all I could do was pray for him to get better.
          I texted all of my sisters and asked them if they want to have siblings day tomorrow night and they said the weirdest things. My sisters and I have this implied love on each other where we just know we love each other and it's weird to say we do. Also, they make it seem funny to have sisters day. They think it sound a little gay. =P I don't know. Seeing my dad ill makes me want to have more family time and get everyone together. I miss our old family dinners. Now it's everyone for themselves. It doesn't have a family feel in this house anymore. I wish time could be rewinded. So much have changed ever since my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. We don't know how long he has left but I'm praying for him.