Anxiety..

As bad as the title sounds this is actually what's been eating at me. I have developed anxiety over time and it scares me to death. I feel like this is adding on top of my depression. Why does it feel like everything is closing in on me? I feel restless and exhausted. I need an escape but my mind is constantly running. I have been feeling sick lately and I'm not sure what's really going on. Could it really be anxiety am I just crazy? School, work, and life in general is just too overwhelming for me. There's a guy I met recently and I can't even go on with him because I feel mentally unstable. I don't think I am ready for a relationship. I need to gather myself first. I feel out of place in my own home. I come home to a house full of my sisters' kids and all I hear is screaming. It's driving me nuts. I tried to go out with a new group of friends and we'll stay out until 5 a.m. but I still feel lost. I have been having breakdowns every now and then. When I get the chance to have a break whether its in between classes or at work, I'd run to the bathroom to breathe and calm myself down. Sometimes it makes me nauseous and dizzy, then there are times I'll heat up a bit and then have chills. I can't focus at all. On my days off I sleep for like half a day. What's going on with me? Why am I like this? I feel so fatigue. I just want to sleep until I feel better.

Something new for once..

        I am not quite sure where things are going at this point in my life but I plan to keep walking until I get to a destination of happiness. I feel like I have been sad for most of my life whether it be from break ups, deaths or just depression. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I want to look past it and start my life over again somehow. So I am putting all of my bets into school. All of my focus has been on school. I want to graduate college with a Bachelor's degree so I can start pursuing my career. I want my Dad to be able to see how much I've grown and how no matter how many times I failed in life, I'd always get back up. I must finish what I started. It took me so long to finish school because in the beginning I went to school for my parents' sake but now I have learned that this is what I wanted. I am going to school for me. I have never been one to be selfish about anything. I have always put others before me and would do anything and everything in my power for my loved ones. Now, it's time I put myself first for once. Back when my Dad passed away, I went through hell. All I could do is drink and gain a load of weight. It finally hit me 2 years ago that I have let myself go so bad that even I couldn't recognize who I was. Traveling for the past two years that I took off of school has changed me. I see the world in a different perspective from before. I met so many new friends and have seen parts of the world I have never seen before. I learned to appreciate more of the little things in life. Seeing how there are so many people living in worse conditions than me made me realize that in this life all I want to do is give back. Sure, I don't have money but I have never thought money is the key to happiness. Money can buy you many things and I agree it is much needed to survive in this world now but it can't be the solution for everything. This is why I chose to be an Applied Linguistics major. I can travel the world to teach English or help translate or interpret different languages. In all of the countries that I stay at, I plan to do as much charity work as possible. In the US, we have the government to help us when we need it. So many places in the world are in much worse predicaments and I want to help. This is the reason why I went back to school. I didn't just go back to school because I need to but because I want to. I want to make something of myself so I can help others in the future. Right now, I feel so useless. The type of feeling how you feel you aren't qualified to do anything. I spoke to an academic advisor and she told me I should be able to finish school by next year. I never thought I'd say this ever but I actually enjoy my major courses. I love learning about languages and how it functions in society. I hope next year could come by fast so I can fulfill all of my dreams and goals.
      Aside from school, I am in some sort of dilemma when it comes to relationship. I haven't cut off all ties with the guy from Vietnam yet but honestly we aren't an official thing so it makes it hard to tell what is going on. We don't talk often like how people talk when they are in the dating stages. So I don't want to say anything and just let it be. Deep down in my mind and heart, I know that it will never work out because we are two worlds apart. Things will just end the way it did with my ex. Maybe that's why we didn't rush or try to get in a relationship. We have special feelings for each other more than regular friends but we both decide to keep it down..I think he knows how things will go down as well. We talk every now and then. I still sense his care for me but I try my best to hold it in because I don't want the both of us to be hurt in the end. Sometimes when I go out drinking, he'd message me and ask how I am. Though not drunk, I always have the urge to ask him if he feels sad that we are two world's apart. It took him a min to answer my question after seeing it but he ended up replying that it makes him sad too. He's waiting for me to go back to Vietnam. As much as I want to go back, I am scared to go back at the same time. I don't want things to escalate between us knowing that it will have to end in the end. I am scared that I won't be able to hold back and just let my feelings guide me. Recently, I have been pausing my feelings for him by talking to him less. I guess it is true that distance makes me people grow apart. I feel better now. More at peace with myself. I have been meeting up with a different guy recently who is from here. Yesterday we went on our second date. I actually consider it a meet up until I feel like it's a date actually. He is a really nice guy. Super chivalrous and gentlemen. He paid for my drink on our first meet and my meal on our second meet up. He connects to me a lot since we have a lot in common. I don't feel weird or awkward around him and our conversation seems to be endless. Funny thing is after we go home from our date, we barely talk to each other but when we do go on dates we talk so much. It's almost like we save it until we meet face-to-face or something. He is the first date I have been on that I'm actually interested in. All of the other times, I always felt like it was hanging out because I wasn't interested and never consider it anything more than eating with a friend. He seems to be a really good guy and he gets my sarcasm. Should I keep it going? Why do I feel so bad when things are going well?

What are we?

I'm officially back to the US physically and mentally. It's been almost 2 months and I am still having withdrawals from my epic Asia trip. There were some changes to my trip due to unexpected circumstances but everything worked out well. My friend and I started our trip in Seoul, Korea. We were there for four days and explored the city since it was my friend's first time there. After Korea, we headed to Vietnam for about 2 days. We met up with our friends from Vietnam at the airport and headed to Bangkok, Thailand. My friend customized a tour package for about 20 something people for this trip. I knew a few of the people who went with us and made new friends with the rest of them. Among the new group of people I made friends with, there was one guy who caught my attention. I admit that at that time I found him attractive but I wasn't giving off any signs because I was "talking" to someone from Canada. Even though me and the guy I was talking to wasn't a thing yet I still didn't want to talk to two guys at once. That's not who I am as a person. So I kept it cool even though the Canadian guy was very on and off with me. I even nicknamed him "Mr. MIA" because he was always missing every now and then when we talked. So we were in Thailand for about a week and we had a freaking blast! In the beginning I didn't talk to "him" because I didn't really know him and I was shy. We happened to to talk because I was helping everyone get the wifi at the Bangkok airport. I didn't even look at his face when I grabbed his phone to enter all the stuff for the wifi. I actually saw his face that first night because we all splitted into groups of four to ride on the taxi to go to Chinatown. He happened to be put in a group with me and my two girl friends. That's when it all started. Ever since that first night, we were put into the same group for everything and to go everywhere. I guess as the days went by we all grew a little closer to each other like a giant family. Funny thing is he spoke to me more than he did to my friend who came back to Asia with me. So I guess that's why me and him clicked a little more. The other girls always made me sit next to him or walk next to him whenever we go out because they were more comfortable with each other. When we were riding on elephants, they separated us in groups of twos and I ended up with him. I don't even know if it was a coincidence or not anymore. It seemed like we were a pair for everything. One day we had hot pot and me and my friend were seated with him and another guy friend. When I got up to get stuff, he complimented me to the other guy in front of my close girl friend. At that time, they both thought she didn't understand Vietnamese well. HAHA. He was telling the other guy that I looked so cute in my overall shorts, and the other guy told him to date me. When I came back my friend told me all about it. My friend said he replied to other guy that I was a lot older than him and the other guy told him that age is but a number. LOL. Later on, I found out that he is actually 3 years younger than me. I guess in the beginning we were kind of shy about the age difference but honestly I look younger and act way younger than I look so I guess it didn't matter anymore. We call each other by names anyway so nobody really knows who is older. He still doesn't know that my friend told me about the conversation him and his friend had. Oh, and my ex went on this trip to Thai as well. He somehow knew there was some kind of vibe between me and the new guy. So he kept making unnecessary remarks every now and then. I ignored them and just played it cool. After a few days of hanging out constantly, me and the new guy became a little more comfortable towards each other but still very respectful and shy towards each other. We found each other on Facebook and exchanged numbers in case we got lost. That kind of became the start of how we ended up getting closer. We would call and text each other when it's time to go somewhere or to meet up with others. One night, we came back before the others and I was locked out of my room because my friend L was dead asleep. I was with him during that time so I stayed in his room for a bit. He took his shirt off because I guess that's what guys do when they get home. There was only me and him in the hotel room but the door was open the whole time of course. When the others came back I slightly closed the door until they walked close to scare them. The first thing they noticed was the fact that he was half naked. I was teased by all of them for being in a room alone with a half naked guy. Man did I turn red!! I ran back to my room and one of the cleaners saw that I was locked out so they opened the door for me to go in my room. The last night that we were in Thailand, I was so sleepy I could barely open my eyes. I was laying in the lobby while waiting to go out. I refused to stay home and miss out on any fun. He saw that I was so sleepy so he went to 7 Eleven and bought me coffee. Hehehe. Super sweet. Eventually our Thai trip ended and we had to head back home. We still kept in touch through Facebook when we came back. A few days after we got back to Saigon we had to fly out to see L's family in Phan Rang and they took us to Nha Trang and Da Lat from there. We were there for about 2 weeks and he would check up on me every now and then. He was trying to invite me to his birthday event but I wasn't going to be in town that week. I asked him to change it to the week after and I will go. He actually agreed to it and planned everything out. After two weeks with L's family, we went back to Saigon for two days and met up with our friends to hang out. He tried to come out most of the time if he didn't have work at night. After a couple of days, we flew out to the Phu Quoc island to see my family for about 5 or 6 days. We didn't text quite as much then because he doesn't respond fast and replies sometimes. He has always been that way so it was normal for me. Since I was talking to the Canadian guy still, I held back all the vibes I felt for the new guy. Also, I was unsure about how he felt for me besides finding me attractive. So I didn't think into it like that. I was trying to reach Mr. MIA the whole time I was on the island and he replied like every once in a blue moon and then disappeared for a month. I got sick of them games so I texted him and told him I was done playing and I hate feeling unimportant to someone. After I texted him that, I didn't bottle my feelings for the other guy up as much. I just went with the flow. My friend and I went back to Saigon and two days later we flew out to Korea. One of those days in Saigon, we met up as a group and had Korean food. Both him and my ex came out. They sat next to each other and I sat diagonal from them. They were both putting food in my bowl and telling me to eat this and that. God it was weird to see. I just sat and ate quietly. We had bubble tea next and met up with more friends. It was a chill night. When we went to Korea we stayed in Incheon and explored it for a few days this time. A few days later we flew out to Tokyo, Japan for four days. It was awesome. We loved everything about Japan. We went to every Don Quijote to buy weird flavor candies and snacks for everyone. We tried different flavored beer in cans, ate ramen, and fresh udon. I want to go back just talking about it. After four days, we flew back to Korea for a day in half and went shopping like crazy in Seoul. This time we stayed in Seoul since we liked it better than Incheon. Then we headed back to Vietnam and about a day later we went to this one bar for the new guy's birthday. His cousin went with us as well. We were with some of the the people who went to Thailand with us. We had a lot of fun. Me and him basically drank most of the first 2 kegs of beer. I took pics with the other friends and noticed he kept looking over at me. Later I went over to him and took a selfie with him. It was very ordinary, we were just having fun with all of our friends. Then he asked me to go out for a minute to talk. I was kind of afraid of what was going to happen next but it was really nothing. He asked if his young girl cousin could stay at our hotel for that night since we were staying out so late. I told him yes and headed back in and he patted my shoulder and told me to come back to Vietnam again next year. I just smiled and walked back in towards our table. Everything still felt normal between us and nothing happened. After the bar he had to drive his drunk friend home to a really far district from his house. My friend and I took his little cousin back to the hotel with us but they were going to charge her for staying with us for a few hours so we checked out. We went to our friends house to stay for the rest of the trip. So here's all the connections I need to lay out. My friend who I met last year on my Thai tour introduced me to his niece who is now my really close friend. They all live in the same house. My ex boyfriend also used to stay at their house too but he doesn't anymore. After he left, they let the new guy I am talking to stay with them and two other friends of mine. I know everyone that lives in that house. LOL. There are only 2 females that lives there. One of them is my friend's niece and the other one is his older aunt. His niece stays in her room alone so L and I ended up staying with her the rest of the trip. We had plans to go to Can Tho the next day and the day after we were headed to Tra Vinh, his hometown to visit and play. So it all worked out since we didn't have to meet up, we could just all ride together. We rented a van and headed there. He didn't sit next to me on the way to Can Tho. He was dead asleep in the row in front of us. When we got to Can Tho, he knew my friends and I wanted bubble tea so he asked them to take us to get some. Again, super sweet. He even went in with us even though he didn't drink anything. He used to go to uni in CT so he had friends there and knows the place well. We went to the night market and karaoke that night. He kept walking next to me or near me in case I got lost or something were to happen. We went to this one coffee place and somehow I was pushed to sit next to him again. The next day we went to the floating market and one of his friend joined us to guide us. Me, him, and his friend ended up sitting way in the back of the boat. He held my hand and helped me go up and down the boat because apparently I don't know how to balance. Hehe. Oh another thing I never mentioned is we shared food and drinks often. Like we'd offer it to each other to try and not anyone else. We did it in in Thailand too and didn't really realize it or maybe we did but just ignored it. I wonder if anyone else noticed. When we were on the way to Tra Vinh, he asked me to scoot over to sit next to me so his friend can sit in his seat. We were dropping his friend off before we left CT. I thought he was going to go back to his seat after his friend left but he stayed. He knocked out as soon as his friend got off. I had this cute puppy faced pillow I bought in Japan and offered it to him because he head was about to fall off from the bumpy ride. I didn't think he was going to take it but he actually did. We finally got to TV and we headed to the temples first. It started raining so we all bought rain ponchos. It was the cheap kind and we looked super ridiculous in it but it was fun. After the temples, we went to his house. In order to get to his house we have to get on a boat and go down the river for about 10-15 minutes. It was fun to watch everyone do the asian squat. Again, I was seated next to him again. His dad and little brother came out on boat to get us. Once we go to his house, we were offered fruits, coconut juice, and desserts. He had lots of fruits grown on his property. His parents make money off of their fruit field. I had pandan coconut juice and ate this one coconut meat that was as thick as candle wax. It was really yummy. When we walked through this tiny little bridge he offered his hand to help me again. We stayed at his house for about 2 hours and head back to the van to go back to Saigon. He got on the van and sat next to me again. This time we were all sleeping in the back row. Although I was asleep, I still felt our heads touching because of the bumpy ride. I wonder if he felt it too. I would snap out of it and pull myself back up. When we were closer to home I found my head resting on his shoulder. He didn't move away or push me away. I think I heard him talking once, so that means that he saw me resting on his shoulders. He's good at playing it cool. Once we got home, he had to carry a whole giant bag of coconuts and two bags of fruits and his backpack. I offered to help him and he let me. He smiled a little while we were walking. Oh by the way I am terrified of roaches and the ally we had to walk to to get home is filled with them. So I was walking super slow in case I saw them. He saw what I was doing and laughed a little. Usually when he isn't there, my friends and I would run home. So I made my friend's house into my own home. I would wake up in the morning and cook with his niece. It became our routine. We didn't have enough blankets, so I borrowed his since he worked night shifts. I felt bad because he didn't work the night shifts the following days, so I tried to return his blanket but he told me it's fine and I could keep it to use. We'd go out for bubble tea and dinner with the crew at night. L went back to the US four days before me. So on the day she was about to leave, he took us out for bubble tea. Then our other friends, took us out for lunch right after. He took me on his mo-ped. That was the day I actually felt everything he felt for me. It was raining and he was afraid the seat was too wet so he wiped it for me. Then he wore my helmet on my head for me. It took me by surprise that he wore it on for me so I looked around to see if anyone else saw it. They all saw him do it but no one said anything and I kept wondering if everyone knows or they just act like they don't. Man people in Asia are good at that. I didn't feel too good after drinking the tea, so I couldn't eat much. Everyone kept putting food in my bowl so I put my food in his bowl and begged him to eat it for me. Also, told him not to tell them. He looked at me and asked me to eat a little more but I couldn't eat anymore. One of our friends invited us over to his house the next day for lunch. Me and the new guy stayed in the same house but he was one floor above me so we texted when we needed to reach each other. Sometimes we'd bump into each other downstairs and eat whatever my friend and I cook that morning. I'd always offer to wash the dishes after we eat even though I am scared shitless that a roach might crawl out of nowhere. They are big flying roaches not the baby ones. So whenever I am in the kitchen, I often move my feet or stomp a little in case they plan to come out. I don't think it works but in my head it made sense. He would look at me and laugh a little every time he sees me stomping or squirming around. He knows how scared I am of them. The next day after L left, he messaged me in the afternoon to ask when we were going to go to our friend's house. I told him whenever he wakes up completely. So he finally got up and took me. I didn't have pockets so I asked him to hold on to my phone so he put it in his pocket for me. At the end of my Asia trip, I was really tired of food so I didn't eat much. He and my friends would try to get me to eat more although I was dying from eating. I told them I was full so he ended up rolling spring rolls for me to eat. So sweet! All of his little actions were adding up for me. I started to sense a bit of his feelings but I still wasn't sure because he's nice to everyone.  When we went back home I forgot to get my phone back from him. We both went back to our rooms when we got home. I went to my room and laid down and then I heard a knocking. I opened the door and he handed me my phone. I was like "Ohhh I forgot about it," and he smiled, so I smiled back. I asked everyone to go out for dinner that night. I messaged him but he didn't reply so I went upstairs to tell him myself. I knocked on his door and he opened it and stood at the door with sleepy eyes. Then he opened it bigger because he saw it was me. I asked him to go out to eat that night and he said he made plans with friends already. So I told him to ask his friends to join too and he said ok. Later he texted me and said they were drinking and stuff so he doesn't think they could join all of us. He said he made plans ahead with them already so he couldn't bail. I sent him a crying emoji and he replied by saying he'll make it up to me with bubble tea the next day. Damn, he knows how to cheer me up. I told him we might do something after dinner maybe he could join. So after he hung out with his friends he called me but I didn't hear it. So he called our other friend and he told him we were going out to eat dessert. He rushed over to us and ended up sitting next to me again. I couldn't finish my dessert so I pushed it to him and he helped me eat it. The next day I messaged him. We do this thing where we'll message each other starting off with just our names. Once the other person replies, we'll send the rest of the context. So I messaged his name and he replied and said "It must be about bubble tea isn't it?" I was like "How'd you know?" Then he said, "We know each other too well." Then he took me out for bubble tea. On the way back home, another mo-ped was too close to his mo-ped so their wheel hit my sandal and the wire broke off. I only had one sandal left. He freaked out a bit and asked if I was okay. I took that sandal off and held it in my hand. He kept looking back to see if I was okay. He felt bad, When we got home I couldn't get down because I only had one sandal and I wasn't going barefoot so the roaches could get me. He ran in the house to grab his new sandals for me to wear and helped me down. Could he be any sweeter? My friends were going to go on charity missions so I was planning to stay in Vietnam a little longer. I don't know if he overheard us talking or one of our friends told him about it. He messaged me while he was at the gym and asked me to stay longer if I could. He said he was quitting his job soon and will start an English course so that he can find a better job. He asked me to stay and hang out with him since he'll be jobless. I tried to ask my mom to stay longer but she wasn't having it at all. So I couldn't stay and I couldn't change my ticket because the next available date to go home was 3 weeks later. I had to get back to work. He'd tried to hang out with me every day I had left to stay although he had work. We went to karaoke with the squad again and he came a little late and left early. I wasn't sure what he felt once again. He messaged me before karaoke and asked if I was really leaving in a couple of days. He took me out for bubble tea with our friends again because we love tea! He did the helmet thing for me again and I don't know why I felt like we were a couple.He promised to take me out to do night charity before I leave to the US. The night before I left he took me out to pass sandwiches and milk pouches to the homeless people on the streets. After the charity mission, we went to bubble tea again. We had a little bit of alone time since the others were meeting us up. By the way, he's not even a tea person. He goes because he knows I really like it. So I ordered his drink and mine and he paid for it. We grabbed our drinks and waited for the other two friends who did charity with us. After tea, we headed to the bar we went to for his birthday. We met up with our friend at a restaurant nearby and I shared a little bit of his beef noodles because I can't finish one by myself. He told me if I stayed in Vietnam longer, he'd buy me bubble tea every day. He's super cute. He was really trying to get me to stay. Earlier that day, I messaged him and told him I couldn't stay and he was really sad about it. He said he doesn't know when we'll see each other again after this time. I told him about 2 or 3 years later. He said that sounds very little but it's actually more than 700 days. I told him not to count it like that or it will feel like a lifetime. We both sent sad faces to each other. When we got to the bar, I had a drink or two and started to feel nauseous. I think I had food poisoning because I had to puke out all the food to feel better. He heard the others say that I wasn't feeling well so he stood outside of the ladies' restroom to look for and wait for me. After vomiting it all up, I felt better but I was tired. I didn't drink afterwards and nobody would let me even touch the beers. He sat really close to me. His guy friend kept eyeing me the whole time and I was just overwhelmed with people. I think he was really sad because he drank a lot that night. Some of our friends went home early. I started to sit in a corner by myself to listen to the music. He came up to me and told me to check my messages. LOL. He is so damn shy to talk to me. Or it could be that it was so loud I couldn't hear myself think. He sat next to me while I read and replied to his messages. He told me he took care of the bill. He wanted me to have a fun night and to not forget him when I'm back in the US. He said if he had the opportunity and meet the requirements, he would have gone back to the US with me. He said he just graduated from college not too long ago and he's trying to become independent and not depend on his family. He said he will be busy learning English, so he won't be "talking" to anyone. Then he sent like 3 smiling emojis. I told him it's ok, and when he has the chance come to the US to see me. He sent me smiley faces with heart eyes. I asked if he was drunk and he said he wasn't because he's texting me. He told me to go have fun and not think about all the sad stuff. He literally had so much to drink that night. So he basically opened up to me that last night. Took 2 months but he finally did it. The next day was super sad. I slept through half of the day and so did he. We were tired from the night before. I was leaving that night so I had to get up and pack. My two other friends came to meet us at the house to go eat dinner and desserts before we head to the airport. Before we left, he came down and gave me a bag with a gift box inside. He told me it was for me and I thanked him and left it on top of my luggage. I wanted to open it so bad but we had to go. I barely ate dinner so they took me for some tea. Puahaha, they all know me too well. After dessert we went back to the house to grab my luggages and stuff. he and my friends each held onto one of my belongings and I was left to carry nothing. They took me to the airport and I went in to check-in and told them I'd come back out before I leave. My visa was expired and I had to do some paper works to be able to leave that day. I left my phone with one of my friends so I had to go back out to get it. I tried to do things as fast as possible to run out to see them before I go through security. I came back out and they were all sad. One of them started to tear up and I started to tear up too. I hugged each of them and hugged him last to say goodbye. When I was at the gate they all messaged me and told me they were sad to see me leave. Most of them were crying but he didn't cry. He messaged me and told me to finish school and come back to see him. He'll be waiting for me. He told to let him know wherever I land so he doesn't feel so worried. For the first time, I cried over a bunch of people I just met not too long ago. I felt like I was leaving my own family and I didn't want to part with them. On the plane, I read his messages over and over again and cried to myself. I felt like I was going away for a long time and I don't know when I'll be back. Now that I'm back, I'm motivated to get this schooling out of the way. We still message each other everyday. Oh on the day before I left Vietnam, Mr. MIA called me out of the blue. I told him everything about my trip except for the new guy. I knew I didn't feel the same for him and waited to tell him when I came back. I told him everything already and now I can freely express to the other guy. I'd help him with English sometimes. One time, I messaged him, "I miss you. Do you miss me?" and asked if he knew what that means and he'd reply, "Me too." So cute. We'd mess/joke around with each other every now and then. It's weird because I don't know what we are to each other but for sure something. We are taking it super slow. We are still really shy to each other but at the same time expressive. I'd tell him I miss him and he'd say it back. We talk everyday but not constantly. It's only when we are free but we aren't tired of it. It's so strange but I like it slow paced like this. I miss him..

Excitement overload.

I had my surgery about 3 weeks ago. It was a success and I am still in the process of healing. I cannot believe in 98 days I will be on my way to Asia with my friend. I am super excited about this trip. This will be my last big trip for awhile since I will be going back to school. I am looking forward to going back to school. I feel like I need to get it done before it's too late. I want to make something of myself since I am not getting any younger. I will go back to school for applied linguistics. Then once I get my BA, I will go to Korea to teach English. This is my goal that I want to achieve in life. People always say that if your dreams don't scare you then they are not big enough. I have never wanted anything this bad before. I really want to go live in Korea. I am super interested in the language, the food, the culture, the music, and the dramas. I am learning Korean right now in hopes that I will be able to speak it well in the future. It is not an easy language to learn but I know it would help to learn it now since I want to live in Korea later on. I am thinking about starting a different blog for my travels and product reviews. I will still keep this blog for venting because I desperately do need it at times. I recently met a guy from Korea who I am exchanging languages with. We are quite compatible with each other and share many things in common. I plan to meet up with him while I am in Korea. He is a really cool guy and I am learning so much from him. I love it. I just hope we will continue talking to each other until then. I am anticipating this trip like no other. I need to hurry up and get fully recovered so I can make more money to play in Asia. So excited!!!

surgery soon..

A week ago I was admitted into urgent care because I kept getting abdominal pain and nausea. I was diagnosed with gallstones in my gallbladder and an operation is needed to remove it. It has been giving me pain and off for the past month but recently it has been worse. I hope things will go well. On the bright side, my uncle may get discharged soon from the hospital. He will come live with me and my mom since my sister and her boyfriend moved out to give him their room. It's only been a little over a week and so much has happened. I feel like my life is flashing before my eyes and I am responding so slowly to it. Since for now my uncle is bed ridden, he will need a lot of help and attention. I hope he recovers soon. I recently booked my tickets to Asia. Now I just need to find a place to stay in Korea and pay for my Thailand tour and then I can start saving for play money. I will be in Asia for 2 months. I know it's a long time for a vacation but I desperately need it. I will go back to school next Spring and I will change my major to Applied Linguistics. For the past 2 years that I have taken a break from school, I have been learning Korean at a Korean church. It goes by semesters and this is my fourth semester already. I love every bit of it. It's an amazing language and I am super interested in Korean cultures. This time when I go to Asia I am bring my friend along with me. She will go home almost 2 weeks before me but that's okay with me. First we will head to Korea for 4 days, then we will head to Vietnam and rest for half a day. The next morning we will take an early flight to Thailand for 8 days. When we get back we will explore Vietnam. I am so excited already. I am searching and coming up with plans and a list of things to do and places to go. I hope this surgery could be over with already because I need full recovery by July 31st. That's the day we are leaving. I started to eat meat again only up until I am better because I have been puking up all of my nutrients recently. My mom is worried sick so I told her I'll eat meat to ease her mind. Honestly, I don't care for food and especially not meat. I would just rather live off of beverages. Pray for me guys. I need everything to work out as plan and for this surgery to be over with. I don't know how much more I can hold onto.

heartbreaking tragedies..

It's been a little over a month since I've last jotted down my thoughts. So much has happened within this last month and words cannot even fathom the way I feel. I am not sure if I'm sinking back into this hole of anxiety and depression or am I just crazy in general? Me and the dude from Vietnam broke it off after so many trials of neglection I've been put through. I don't know if I should call it neglection or not but let's just say he fell out of love with me while I fell in love with him. What a freaking joke that was. I have mentioned before that I sensed a vibe from him that I was no longer important and I was absolutely correct. A woman's intuition never fails. I couldn't take it anymore so I broke it off with him and asked him to be completely honest with me as of why he was acting the way he was towards me. He told me he didn't feel the same way he did in the beginning anymore and part of it is my fault. He said I created the distance between us by pushing him away and making him suppress his feelings for me. In the beginning, I did want a bit of distance because we were so clingy and rushing into things when we should take it slow. I had to push him away so we wouldn't be so infatuated and think things through. No matter what I said or did he still didn't stop expressing to me exclusively up until after Christmas. His work place was pressuring him into stress and he had to work late hours. Then eventually he became to busy for me. Funny that when I was reaching my point of really taking us serious he began to see us as nothing. As days went by the neglection became more intense and our distance turned into just more than a physical distance. It reached a point where I wasn't sure what I was doing anymore. I started drinking again and drowned myself into a happy state of mind created by the alcohol. I felt the depression hitting me hard but I did nothing to stop it. I just let it sink in all the way to my heart. Not only did he want us to stop the relationship but he also wanted us to stay friends. In the beginning I was truly against this but now that my feelings have died some, I stopped caring. I realized I was over this heartbreak when my uncle had a big incident on February 16th. I picked my mom and my uncle up from the airport because they were coming back from Vietnam on the 15th. When my uncle came back he mumbled under his breath that he had to go back to work. I thought he was joking but he really went. He never came home that night and I kept asking my mom to check on him. She said he was probably at work and went to the sauna right after. He does it so often so we didn't think anything would go wrong. The next night he didn't come home either. My mom was afraid something might've happened to him so she drove 40 mins to our batting range to check on him. When she got there, the place was pitch black except for the restroom light that was left on. She saw his car so she knew he had to be there so she looked around the place. She saw him laying on the concrete where the batting cage was. She didn't have the keys so she had to find a way to get in. She finally got inside and found him laying on the cold ground unconscious with his pants nailed to the concrete. His tools were all over the place. She quickly called the cops and we figured that he was robbed and nailed to the ground. The ambulance came and took him to the hospital right away. They then concluded that he had a stroke and one of his vessels busted and caused hemorrhage in the back of his brain. He also had a giant blood clot in his brain so they had to do an emergency surgery to get it out. They told us that he may be paralyze on his left side since they didn't see any response from him on that side. The surgery went well and he is now recovering. They moved him to a regular room yesterday after being in the ICU for 2 weeks. My sister said he finally spoke. He talked to her about his bills and bank stuff. He is doing a lot better than we expected and that's just wonderful. Although he is not blood related to us, we always seen him as a father/uncle figure. He took care of us since we were babies. He has no wife, no children, and no immediate family here in the US. We are all he has and we'll always be here to help him when he needs us. That first week of the incident hit me harder than I thought it would. At the time my uncle was in the hospital, I received news that my friend passed away from skin cancer. He took on a long journey fighting off the cancer but it eventually took him. I kept telling myself to be strong because if not I will fall ill from all the worries and stress. I have been overly stressed and I don't know how to handle it. I even went to see a fortune teller to see my fortune. I wanted to be assured that my uncle was going to be okay. Everything she said is so accurate, it's scary. She told me my personality which really freaked me out because I don't look like how my personality would portray me. I'm always acting happy and stress-free in front of everyone but I am just the opposite. I'm a sensitive person and I take every emotion felt to heart. I let my emotions eat me up in one bite and I have lost fighting control of it. She told me many things but I will write about it next time. I guess now I have to take it one step at a time..

distance..

I know it has been a few months since I last posted after my big Asia trip. These past few months have been excruciating for me. Me and my boyfriend have been on edge of breaking up and I don't know how to save this relationship when he no longer puts in effort. I have been in a depression mode for the past weeks and it seems to be getting worse. I tried to break it off with him a couple of times but he is so persistent on making it work, so I stayed. Now I am stuck in this dilemma and I have never felt more lonely. It sucks being lonely when you're in a relationship and it's nothing like the lonely like when you're actually single. Why is he doing this to us? This is pure torture to my heart. I'd have to admit that in the beginning I was like whatever with him but eventually I fell for him. Not only did I fall but I fell hard. I let him. I caved in to my heart and emotions and this is where it's gotten me. I don't exactly know when we had a fall out but things kept going downhill for us. He started to go out more from stress I assume and became more and more distant with me. When I asked he'd said everything is normal but I can feel the distance smacking me in the face. I tried with all my efforts to hold us together but he kept making our gap bigger and bigger. We'd go from talking everyday and sometimes video calling or calling to ZERO contact. He doesn't explain why or even makes the effort to communicate with me when he can. I know this is an unhealthy relationship and I am trying to let it go slowly but I don't know why a part of me keeps wanting to stay. Am I going crazy? Maybe I am. It's been so long since I've been in a relationship before this one and I feel like it's dejavu all over again. All of the pain and sorrow is coming at me at once. How will I escape this hell? What happened? We were in love and things were fine. Is it the fact that we are half a world apart from each other physically or is it the fact that we're half a world apart from each other emotionally? How do I do this? :(